Catch Up
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: After years of being okay Cameron starts to fall into a hole he barely escaped from the first time. Warnings Inside
1. Chapter 1

I have no idea where this thought came from, but it won't leave me alone. Now you must deal with it as well. Mwahahaha!

Warning: Drug Abuse.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

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Shaking his head Cameron pulled on his jacket and stuffed the baggies in the pocket ignoring the way his hands shook. He felt a sadly familiar wave of shame crash over him as he left the annex. It had been awhile since he had had to deal with that. Truthfully, he had hoped he never had to feel it again.

It seemed that was off the table though. Ever since Johnny had gone to prison he had to step up as the sort of leader of the team. Okay, so that was technically his job even when his brother was free, but the other man was so much better being in control.

That's the way it had always been. Jonathan was the calm twin. The one that was in control over everything and had a million plans for every single scenario. Cameron, on the other hand, liked to throw cation to the wind. He was the fire to Jonathan's water.

All in all that had led them both to some not so pleasant situations. Well, Cameron had led them there. He liked adventure and pushing the limit though. He wanted to try everything at least once and then master the things that he fell in love with.

Something that their father had hated. They were supposed to be magician's. Nothing more, nothing less. Their free time was filled with practicing and coming up with new tricks. That was it for them both.

Except that, as much as they both loved magic, it was dull to do for years on end with nothing else around. It became more and more like a job than anything else when they touring around with their father.

And the man was a mean boss most of the time. He demanded that they do things that everyone knew was dangerous. He had them both separated from the world outside of the team unless they were doing press. It was rarely any fun.

Jonathan had worked hard to give him some real enjoyment when they were younger. He had actually sneaked out of wherever they were more than once to go buy Cameron a book on whatever it was that had captured his eye that week.

Their father always freaked out when he found the books. Everything that they had worked for could go down the drain if anyone noticed that it was Jonathan and not Cameron. Cam hated when they got yelled at for things.

Everyone that did get to know them pointed out that he was the more sensitive out of the twins. That he didn't want to hurt anyone even if it meant that he was miserable. He was good at plastering on a grin and moving through his life like nothing was wrong.

Maybe it was because of that that he had slowly started to refuse the gifts that Johnny brought him. He just didn't want to hear their father yelling at them anymore. He couldn't take it anymore. Especially since his brother had started to fight back.

That was not a pleasant time in the Black family household. It didn't seem to matter where they were or what they were doing there was always a fight going on between their father and Jonathan. It never stopped.

Cameron loved his family with all of his heart. His brother was everything to him and, though they had issues, he looked up to his father and wanted his approval. The last thing he had wanted back then was for them to fall apart.

Day after day he began to slowly pull away from the both of them. Not enough that either noticed what was happening though. Well, not anything that Johnny noticed and he always notice when something was wrong with Cam.

It was mostly small things. Like throwing himself into the job more and more. He had lied and said that he wanted to learn more so they could start doing bigger and bigger tricks. Something their father was all for and Jonathan hated.

Every second of every day he hid behind his work to make it so neither of them noticed that he was falling apart listening to the two of them go at it all the time. It wasn't healthy by any means, but it was a hell of a lot better than the alternative. At least it was to him. For awhile.

Cameron still couldn't remember what city they were in when he first started. All he knew was that he had to get away from his world and he did know more than a few people that leaned towards the truly criminal aspects of life.

After all the training that he had been put through to pull off magic acts it wasn't difficult to take a little baggie out of someone's pocket without their knowledge and hide it somewhere he knew no one would look.

It was harder to steal a needle, but since he knew he was the last person that anyone would suspect he didn't worry all that much about it when one went missing and people started to get angry once more.

The spoon and lighter were no problem at all. Those were everywhere and being on the road all the time meant that they went missing more often than not. Not a single person suspected a thing and he hated them for that.

In the back of his mind he knew that it was because of who he was. Cameron Black was a ball of sunshine. He lit up a room whenever he smiled. He was the center of attention because he was so sweet and kind and whatever else the called him.

He knew that it wasn't meant to be a bad thing. He was just so different than his father and brother that him smiling all the time stood out. Anyway, with the life that they all had to lead it was nice having someone be positive all the time.

No one thought to wonder if he was okay with that. If he liked being the person that everyone turned to when they were having a hard day. If he could handle listening to everyone's problems while acting like he was perfectly fine.

They were all blinded by what was going on either on stage or in their own lives that they never looked to see if he had a mask on. That was Jonathan's job anyway. He was the twin and the older brother. He did the watching.

Except when he didn't. Cameron hated lying to his brother more than anything. They were really the only thing the other had. It was them against the world. Just like it had always been. Just like it always would be.

Because of that he knew exactly what he needed to do to trick his brother. He had never actually tricked him before. He planned it, of course, but that was just something that they did. They had a plan for everything.

The day that he started to put up a front in front of Jonathan though… He would never be able to forget just how much it hurt to know that he hadn't seen past the front. That he had fallen for it like everyone else. They weren't supposed to be like everyone else.

After he had actually gathered everything that he had needed he waited a few days more. He was well prepared now, but he didn't want to do it. He wanted to come up with another plan. He wanted someone to notice that something was wrong.

A week passed with no one saying anything. His brother and father were still arguing about everything and everyone still looked to him as if he was supposed to just be able to smile everything better. He had gotten tired of waiting after that.

He waited until they had a few days off before the next show and sneaked into one of the places he had hidden a stash of baggies. He didn't hesitate as he prepared the needle just like he had seen others do so many times before.

It was hard to find a vein in his arm, but once he did it was as if he was in another world. The world everyone thought he lived in regularly. Everything was peaceful and the sun was shining down on them all. It was all just so perfect. Everything was just so perfect. He was never going to leave that world again.

Shooting up became a habit quickly after that. Not that he minded. He had wanted an escape from his world and he had found one. No one suspected a thing and no one was being hurt by what he was doing. Everything was fine.

The only time that he ever felt like things weren't right was when he was performing. Cameron knew just how dangerous his line of work was. He had gotten hurt more than enough times to have learned that lesson.

Being a magician meant that he had to be in control of his mind and his body when he was on stage. The last thing he could be was out of his mind. No matter how much he craved having the needle in his arm once more.

The shows didn't last all that long anyway. Then they were off to the next venue and he had time to do what he wanted to do. Which translated to him sitting in a quiet place alone listening to the world around him high off his ass.

If he was honest he had no idea how long he had been shooting up. He could tell you the most random information, but that was too far out of his grasp. He couldn't even tell you the day that Jonathan had walked in on him with a needle in his vein.

All he could really remember of that day was attempting to comfort his brother while he cried. Johnny rarely cried. He wasn't that type of person. Seeing what Cameron was doing though had pushed all his walls down.

Things had changed after that. Jonathan never left his side for very long. He even started to go to the bathroom with him and sleeping on the floor next to his bed just to make sure that he didn't continue taking drugs.

Cameron should have been happy that he was finally getting a little attention, but he wasn't. He was in pain all the time. From stories he knew that withdraw was horrible, but he hadn't realized just how bad it was going to get.

Their father had thought that it was a bad case of the flu. He wasn't always the nicest person, but he wasn't cruel or stupid enough to make him go on stage when he was throwing up and shivering so hard his voice shook.

They took a little break from their tour and went to the annex. It was their one true home and it should have made him feel a little better, but it didn't. Because their father decided that he was going to go on the road himself and leave them alone.

If Cam thought that his brother was overprotective on the road it was nothing compared to how he was when they were alone and safe. He didn't think he ever had that much attention on him and he performed regularly in sold out arenas.

All he wanted to do was get was from Johnny. He wanted to get away from the eyes that followed him around. From the scowls that he tried to hid but couldn't quite manage. From the disappointment in his eyes.

It had taken a few days to figure out a plan to get away from Jonathan. It might have been sooner, but he couldn't really think all that well. All he knew was he needed to take more and he was desperate.

Johnny had been in the shower at the time. The door was wide open and he was paying close attention to Cam to make sure he didn't do anything. It had been weeks though so the other man had started to let his guard down a little.

He didn't have all that long to go to his father's room and grab the stash that he had hidden in one of the bags. Then he made his way down to the basement knowing that it was the last place that he would be found.

It had felt so good to get back what he had lost. The world was back to being all sunshine like everyone said his world should be. It was amazing and he was finally not in pain anymore. What could be better?

Jonathan had ending up finding him sometime later. All Cameron could do was grin up at him and ask if he heard the heartbeat too. His brother didn't respond. Instead he sat next to him on the floor and let himself be held by Cam while the younger twin started to talk out loud to the annex itself. As if it was alive.

In the morning, when the drugs were mostly out of his system and the shaking and pain had started again, they talked. Well, Jonathan talked. Which was a feat in and of itself. He hated talking about his feeling even if it was just with his brother.

Cameron never thought he'd see his big, overprotective brother so lost and emotional. That was what he did. Watching his brother break down like that was still one of the most terrifying things that he had ever seen in his life.

After that he had agreed to let Johnny help him get clean. Something that was made very hard considering neither of them could go out in the world and get any real help without exposed their secret and losing everything.

He had lost track of how many medical books Jonathan read trying to get any information he could to help. A part of him still wondered how they were able to pull it all off, but he officially had ten years sober under his belt and he was happy about that.

Except for the fact that he currently had $1,000 worth of illegal drugs in his pocket and he was shaking just like he used to. It had been so long. He should be over it all. The spell was supposed to be broken. He was supposed to be free.

Sill, as he made his way out of the annex and headed to get a taxi to go to the FBI building he was a little scared of his own mind. Not so much his mind really as his body screaming at him to just not turn them in and have a little fun like he used to.

He couldn't believe that Jordan had actually had the drugs they had taken. They should have been long gone by then. Alright, so getting rid of drugs wasn't exactly the easiest thing to do, but it had been almost a full day since they had taken them and they were in New York. They also were working with the police. There were many, many chances to get rid of them for good.

Instead the man had decided to keep them for some unknown reason. That was the part he really couldn't understand. Jordan hated drugs with a passion. It wasn't something that they talked about, but he knew the look in the younger man's eyes whenever they were brought up. Jonathan got the same look.

In the long run though it didn't really matter. Cameron was doing the right thing and getting rid of them and everything would go back to normal. No one on the team was ever going to touch them again. Everything would be fine.

Except he knew better. Nothing in their life was ever going to be 'normal' again. Not until they got Johnny out of prison and who knew when that would happen. It could easily be years before he was able to be with his brother again.

He hated to admit it, even to himself, but he was starting to lose faith. He had seen the way she worked. She had some real skill and it was doubtful that he was ever going to be going to be smart enough to take her down and get his brother released. He just wasn't good enough.

That had been something that his father had gotten upset with him for time and time again. It was actually usually where the yelling began. No matter how hard he tried or how many times he did a trick it was never good enough.

He lacked the natural skill that both his father and his brother had. What took the two of them hours to perfect took him days and sometimes even weeks. He was a constant disappointment and he knew it.

The only reason he was on stage was the fact he was a people person. Jonathan was a true magician. He knew exactly how to get the trick to do what he wanted when he wanted and no one knew what was happening. Cameron had to work at it.

That was the real reason he was the face of the whole show. Because he had a smile that could make the world stop and pay attention. He had none of the natural talent the rest of his family did and he had half of the brain of Jonathan. That was one of the reasons he spent so much of his time working and practicing his tricks. He needed to so he wouldn't let everyone down. It was also the reason he did more than a few death defying stunts.

He knew that the team and Kay all thought it was because he was a show off, but it was more than that. People paid less attention when there was real danger involved. They weren't looking for the trick. They were looking to be amazed.

At least that's what his father always said. Cameron didn't know the logic behind it, but he was okay not finding out. So he did dangerous things all the time knowing that he was less likely to be caught if he did them.

Not that that mattered anymore. The Amazing Cameron Black was over and done with. He wasn't going to be doing any real performances any time soon. He probably wouldn't even get back to it if… when they got Johnny out of prison. He was done.

The only life he had ever known had been on stage convincing people to believe his lies. That had been taken away from him and there was nothing he could do about that. Everyone knew that he was a fraud now. Which was something that he hated thinking about.

He had it good compared to his brother. He was free to do what he wanted when he wanted. The team was by his side no matter what. All in all he had a pretty charmed life. The last thing he should do was dwell on the fact that that part of his life was over. It was selfish of him and his fault anyway.

The mystery woman had only targeted Johnny to get to him. For what reason he still didn't know, but it was a fact. If he hadn't done whatever he did to her or if he had just let his brother walk away from the life they wouldn't be in this mess.

It was all his fault. He was a selfish, spoiled child just like his father had always said. It was all coming to bite him in the ass and the worst part was that it wasn't him that was being hurt. It was the people around him. He deserved to be hurt.

"Hey, buddy!" a voice suddenly called out making him jump, "You getting in or not?"

"No," Cameron replied looking at the taxi driver for a moment, "I'm good. Sorry."

Watching the driver sped off the man found himself wondering what had just happened. He was supposed to be taking the drugs to Kay so she could get rid of them. Why had he sent the taxi away when he did actually need it?

With a shaky breath he reached into his pocket putting his hand clenching the baggies. There was a lot of drugs in them. That much money could last a little while and it would be a very nice trip as well.

No one would know if he was too… No, what was he thinking? After everything that Johnny had done to get him clean the first time he shouldn't even be thinking of doing something so damn stupid again.

It was wrong on so many levels and he knew it. He was ten years sober. Ten years! He couldn't just throw that all away just because he was feeling a little down. He couldn't do that to his brother again. He couldn't.

Yet he couldn't bring himself to call for another taxi. It was as if he was frozen. He needed to… He needed to talk to Jonathan. He needed his brother to tell him what to do because he could feel himself losing control.

That wasn't going to happen anytime soon though. The other man was in _prison_! The last thing he needed to hear was his little brother whining about his troubles. He had to take care of himself this time around.

Swallowing roughly Cameron felt tears prick at his eyes as he turned and started to walk towards the backdoor of the annex. He did not need the team to know just how weak he was. They didn't need to know that he hadn't turned the drugs in. They didn't need to know what he was planning.


	2. Chapter 2

This chapter did not take long to edit at all. Sigh. Oh well. It's up now and I have to say that I am pleased. It turned out so much darker and more emotional than I had hoped for. It's the kind of chapter that makes me want to write original work. That's for another day though. Enjoy!

Warning: Drug Abuse, Self-Harm.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

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Taking a shaky breath Cameron tried to keep a straight face and fight the smile that was blooming on his lips, but he couldn't help himself. An almost childlike giggle fell from him as he tipped over so he was laying down.

He was so lost in his amusement that he didn't notice just how close he was to the edge until he rolled onto his back. A loud bang echoed throughout the otherwise quiet room as he fell onto the floor his wrist getting caught underneath him.

The laughter only got louder as he laid there not bothering to do more than roll onto his back. Above him the ceiling danced with lights and shadows making a whole show for him. Slowly his amusement faded away until he was just staring in wonder.

He laid there transfixed by the sight. He always did love the just watching things happen. He loved seeing how the world worked without him being there to manipulate it. Just nothing but pure nature.

Licking his lips he reached his hand above him wanting to touch the shadows. A grin came to his lips when he felt a barely there breeze blow across them as if it was reaching back. Scrambling to his feet he stood up ignoring the needle and spoon that had fallen with him.

For a moment nothing happened. His hands clenched into fists nails cutting into his long sleeved shirt. Blinding a few time he looked down at himself before shaking his head at his own stupidity.

Of course he couldn't feel the shadow. He was completely covered. Grabbing the offending shirt he practically ripped it off his body and threw it into a corner not caring where it landed. As soon as it was gone he let out a breath and waited once more.

The whole annex was quiet. So different than how it was during the day. The noise of the day always drowned out everything else though. It had been so long since he had just been able to listen to the annex's own voice.

A muffled scream echoed in the back of his mind that there was a reason for that, but he paid it no mind. At the moment in time the only thing he really cared about was listening to the building. If it ever started to talk.

Closing his eyes he forced himself to take a deep breath though it was more unsteady than he liked. He heart felt like it was going a hundred miles a minute as he waited excitedly. At least that's what he took it to be. The drugs that were in his system probably weren't helping anything.

Cameron barely noticed that his body was starting to sway on its own as he waited feeling more and more desperate. He wanted to hear the whole place breathing again. That perfect in and out that he had learned when he was younger.

He needed to feel that peace again. To know that not everything had been taken from him. The annex was still on its feet. It was still alive and waiting for him to come home. He knew it was waiting. He just had to stay quiet a little bit longer.

Ever since he was a child he had only really known two homes. The first one was with his brother. Jonathan kept him safe and protected from anything and everything that could possibly come after him while still giving him the freedom to mess up.

The amount of times he had thought that he had done something that his brother wouldn't forgive him for was astronomical. He wasn't always the smartest person when it came to himself. He spent more than his fair share of time screwing up.

Johnny never walked away though. He never made him feel as if he wasn't loved. Even when he was yelling at the top of his lungs because Cam had done something ridiculously stupid he never made him feel unwanted.

The only other place that made him feel that way was the annex. With its brick walls keeping the rest of the world at bay while he attempted to keep himself sane. It was peaceful and loving without ever making him feel trapped. The annex was his home and he loved every second that he was able to be there.

A part of him wondered if the annex loved him back. If he treated the old building just as well as it treated him. Maybe that was why everything was so silent. Maybe he had lost the love of his home for good.

Feeling tears fill his eyes he wrapped his arms around his bare chest trying to hold himself together. He could feel his body starting to shake as his emotions took over. It was true. He had lost everything.

Tears began to stream down his face as his knees buckled causing him to drop to the floor. Cam didn't bother trying to catch himself as he fell. Instead he let himself land painfully on his hips as he cried.

"I'm sorry," he gasped out his fingers digging roughly into his arms, "I'm sorry."

Barely coherent apologizes fell from his lips as he dropped to the floor completely. His head rested against the rough wood floor close enough that his lips brushed against his as he continued to plead for forgiveness.

He had always loved just how alive the annex was when he was younger. As it it was a person all on its own. It had always been this beacon in the darkness for him. If he ever had too much of to real world he could just lock himself inside and he was safe was more.

The building was old and it symbolized everything that he and his family had worked for. Hell, it was a member of the family by then. The only member than never let anyone down. Always forgiving and strong when they couldn't be.

How had he messed that up so spectacularly? The annex was supposed to be his home. It was supposed to be the place where he felt the safest. A place where he never had to doubt or question what he felt or wanted.

He had just been so busy in the last few years. With them getting away from their father and starting their own tour. Then with Jonathan going to prison. He hadn't realized that he wasn't taking care of the home that he loved.

What type of person did that? He should have realized just how much the annex did for him. He should have known better that to toss it to the side as if it was nothing more than a building that he was staying in.

He used to care, to truly care about everything. Now though he was just selfish. The world revolved around him and his own issues. He was the only one that mattered and everyone should stop and take care of him.

A low whine left his lips as he forced himself to his knees. His hands curled into fists and rested on the floor while his breathing hitched as angry tears streamed down his face. Needing to feel anything other than sadness he lifted his fists and slammed them into the floor.

Over and over and over he drove them into the wood relishing in the jolt of pain it gave him though it wasn't enough. Striking out with his hand he crashed it into the bed drawing a loud yelp of pain from him.

Blurry eyes stared down at his wrist barely making it out. Something hold him that it looked different than it normally did, but he was too far out of it to tell exactly what it was that made it look so off.

Curling it into a fist once more he bit back the whimper of pain knowing that he deserved nothing less. He had caused so much hurt to the people he cared about. He deserved to have a little of it himself.

He sat there silently letting himself think of nothing but the pain. There was no way around the fact that he deserved everything that he was getting. After everything that he had done he couldn't say he didn't deserve it.

Somewhere along the line he had stopped appreciating what was around him. He had let himself expect things to just stay as they were. No wonder he didn't have anything left. He wasn't worthy of anything anymore.

Feeling his anger peck once more he struck out once more his wrist banging into the metal edge of his bed. A cry of pain fell from him as he pulled it back and cradled it against his chest. For the first time in a long time the only thing going on in his mind was pain.

That was not a feeling he was used to. He had been taught when he was younger that his mind had to always be thinking about everything. If he stopped thinking even for a moment than everything would fall apart.

There was a constant barrage of things that he was supposed to do or remember that was always there screaming at him. Not to mention the voices of both his father and Jonathan telling him off for not thinking.

For one blissful moment all of that was gone. For the first time in years he had a completely empty mind. He didn't have to do or think about anything. He was alone with only the pain. It was what he wanted.

Without a second thought he started to lift his arm again ready to inflict more damage only to freeze when he heard some shuffling outside of his closed door. He barely breathed as he waited with baited breath for more sounds.

He didn't have to wait long before he heard the building groan. It was such a familiar sound though it sounded so different than the ones that he heard every day. Almost like the sound was being done on purpose.

"Hello?" Cameron questioned out loud his voice shaking.

For a moment everything around him was silent and he was sure that he had imagined it all. It had been so long and he had been so selfish. Of course he had lost whatever connection he had to the annex.

A distressed sound fell form his lips as he pulled his knees to his chest. He had lost it all. Everything that he had ever had been ripped from him and that was it. There was nothing that he could do.

Wallowing in his own self-pity he almost messed a barely there creak. Jerking his unhurt hand up to his face he covered his mouth and pinched his nose shut trying to stop himself from making noise so he could hear what was going on around him.

Another faraway creak echoed from down the hallway. It sounded so far away from him that he wasn't completely sure that he hadn't made it all up. He had to find out though. He had to know just how far down he had fallen.

Removing his hand from his face Cam greedily sucked in air as he scrambled to his feet swaying dangerously when he was up. He waited there silently ready to give chase if he heard the noise again. He couldn't lose the annex again. He just couldn't.

"Hello?" he croaked out once more his voice painful even to his own ears, "Are you still there?"

Waiting with baited breath he let out a desperate laugh when he heard another creak outside of his door. His movements were jerky and slow as he stumbled out of his room and stared toward where he thought the noise came from.

Shaky hands clawed at the wall trying to keep his balance as he walked. His hip rammed into a side table causing a picture frame to topple over and fall onto the floor the glass cracking on impact though he paid no mind to it.

"Annex?" he called out his eyes darting around wildly, "Please. Please, don't leave me too. I can't… Please?"

A banging sound echoed through the hallway drawing him closer and closer to something. He felt a bit like he was Alice following the White Rabbit. The little bangs and creaks leading him through the building until he was at the basement steps.

He vaguely remembered how much time he used to spend down there listening to the building talk to him. It was the best place to listen to everything that was going on. The basement was like the heart of the entire annex.

Still as he stood at the top of the stairs he felt himself hesitate. It felt as if he was about to walk into a trap. Almost as if walking down there meant that he was never going to be able to come back. He'd be lost for good.

Was that such a bad thing though? With all the damage that he had already caused maybe it would was a good idea to disappear for awhile. Everyone would be better off if he wasn't around to make everything worse.

Kay now believed him that Jonathan wasn't guilty. So did Deacon and Mike. He knew that even without him around they weren't going to stop looking for a way to get his brother out. He wasn't needed for that anymore.

The team would be fine as well. With Johnny around again they could all start to move on with their lives without feeling guilty. He was the one that was keeping them stuck in the same depressing head space.

If he wasn't around than everything would change for the better. All he had to do was take the last few steps into the basement. Then he would have made his choice and he would have to live with it. He just had to move.

Licking at his lips Cam reached out a trembling hand to grip the dirty railing. Every breath he took felt as if it was being punched out of him before it filled his lungs. That didn't stop him from moving forward until he was standing in the middle of the dark room.

"Is this where you want to talk?" Cameron questioned carding a hand through his messy hair, "Like we used to?"

Directly above him a pipe rattled causing him to spin around almost falling over in the process. Of course this is where the annex wanted to talk. It was their spot after all. It had always been their safe space. A place where they could be alone.

The air around him felt dangerous in a way, almost as if he was being threatened, but at the same time it felt so familiar to him. Like he was finally getting welcomed home after all their years apart.

Rubbing his hands over his face he blinked a few times noticing that they were wet. It took a second to realize that he had yet to stop crying throughout the whole ordeal. He really was the weaker twin.

To his left the floor creaked sadly causing him to shake his head. He didn't deserve the sympathy of the annex. He had put himself in the position he was in and he had to live with the pain that he had caused.

"I'm sorry," Cam whispered staring up at the ceiling, "I'm so sorry. I know I haven't been here for awhile. I abandoned you when you needed me."

 **groan**

"I know. I- There's no excuse for what I did."

 **creak**

"No! No, it's not your fault at all. It's mine. I did this. I broke us."

 **pipe rattle**

"I'm sorry, annex. I am so sorry."

Cameron felt himself jump when he heard someone let out a familiar sigh. His mind screamed at him that Johnny was there. His heat picked up speed at the prospect of seeing his brother once more with that unamused smirk on his face.

"John-," Cam started spinning around hopefully only to stop when he saw no one was there.

Nails dug deep enough into his palms to draw blood as he spun around once, twice, thrice more times. His world seemed to come to a screeching halt when he tumbled to the floor his wrist screaming in protest upon impact.

He couldn't bring himself to care about the pain this time though. All he could focus on was the face that no one was there. He was well and truly alone. His heart jumped into his throat choking him as it beat wildly

"No," he denied clenching his eyes shut tightly, "No. No! NO!"

Scrambling backwards into a dark corner he leaned against the wall not bothering to mask his cries of heartbreak. It didn't matter if anyone could hear him. The only person that he cared about was locked in a cell.

"Johnny?!" Cameron wailed up to the ceiling, "Please, Johnny! Please come home. I can't… I can't do this alone! Please?!"

A broken sob tore from his already sore throat as the truth everyone was too nice to say came crashing over him. It was all his fault. His brother was in prison because of him. Because he was too weak and stupid and selfish.

"Johnny. Come home."


	3. Chapter 3

Alright, so Cameron is just in a very dark place right now. So very dark. Don't worry I'll be adding some Jonathan in the story in the next chapter and hopefully the man can help a little. Maybe. We'll see. I haven't decided my level of evil yet.

Warning: Drug Abuse, Self-Harm, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

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Standing in front of the sink in the bathroom Cameron found himself staring at himself in the mirror hating what he was seeing. His face was pale and taunt like he hadn't slept at all that night. The bags under his eyes were so dark they looked like bruises.

All he wanted to do was go back into his room and… But he couldn't do that. Not when he had been forcefully dragged out of bed by Gunter because Kay and Mike arrived with a new case in toll needing their expertise.

Gunter had been excited about it. It might not be working on stage like they were used to, but being able to foil somebody else's trick. While it wasn't done in the magical community it was really fun to do.

The whole team loved doing it and it had the added bonus of helping Jonathan get out of prison. It was perfect. At least it would have been if not for the fact that they were working with the FBI and Cam had track marks in his arm.

It was sad how easy it was to hide what he was doing from his team. They were a family and they should have been able to look past his mask and see how badly he was crashing. They weren't the ones he had to worry about though.

No, instead he was dreading seeing the FBI agents. They were his friends and he cared about them, but they were still cops with sharp eyes that wouldn't overlook the symptoms that he wasn't hiding very well.

Ever since Johnny went to jail though everyone on the team was a lot more lenient with him. They had all been around long enough to know that he and his brother were joined at the hip. Unless they had a performance they were together.

It had actually been a bit of a joke when Dina and Jonathan were dating that she was with the both of them. It was a little sad, but it was rather truthful. Johnny never let get go very far out of his eye line if he could help it.

Their relationship had been that way ever since they were kids. Jonathan had to be there to keep his little brother from getting crushed by the weight of the real world. When the twins weren't together it was just bad news.

Cameron could still remember the time his brother had come down with the flu just an hour before a show. They had all been worried that they were going to have to take him to urgent care, but he said he just needed some rest.

Dina had ended up driving him back to their hotel room and making sure that he wasn't going to die. Which left Cam there trying to figure out what they were going to do for a trick. Not the best thing to do since he ended up in the hospital for a month.

Since Johnny was so sick though they hadn't been able to perform their signature move. So they had to come up with a brilliant trick that would wow the audience enough they didn't notice that it was missing. The only problem was they had no new tricks to pull out of their sleeves.

At least no new tricks that were Jonathan and Gunter approved. They had been working on this new one that involved him… Honestly, he had hit his head hard enough that he didn't remember exactly what the trick was supposed to be and nobody really liked talking about the finer details with him.

The point was he had convinced Gunter and Jordan that they had no choice but to do the trick. Something that he wouldn't have been able to do if his brother was there. He was the only one that didn't fall for Cam's smile.

In the end he had gotten hurt because he didn't have Johnny there to pull him back when he started to get too crazy. Dina liked to say that he was too smart for his own good, but he knew that it wasn't smarts that drove him to do some of the crazier things he'd done.

Jonathan had gotten so mad at him that night. Well, actually he had gotten mad at him when he woke up from the small coma that he had been in. It had only last three days. That wasn't all that much in coma years.

After that had happened it was decided that if one twin was sick the whole show was canceled. Didn't matter if it was him or Jonathan it wasn't going to happen. They said that it was just easier than trying to pull a new trick out of the bag, but he knew the truth.

It was instances like that that made everyone wary of them when the other wasn't around. Cam had a tendency to want to prove that he was as good as his brother while Jonathan proved that he just didn't want to be there.

"Cameron," Jordan knocked on the door pulling the magician from his thoughts, "Gunter as look #59 on his face and I think he might break down the door if you don't come out soon."

"I'll be right there," he answered keeping his voice as steady as possible.

Dragging his eyes away from the mirror he looked down at his hands an all too familiar dread filling him as he watched them shake uncontrollably. Even clenching them into fists didn't stop the shaking.

Cam forced himself to bite back an almost manic laugh as he stared up at the ceiling. It had been too long since his last hit and there was nothing he could do to about it. It wasn't as if Gunter was going to let him go back to his room. He was too excited. The man had even grabbed an outfit for him so he wasn't in his pajamas.

No, he had to just deal with the symptoms and act as if he was perfectly fine. How he was going to do that he didn't know. His skin felt like he was trying to crawl off his body, his stomach was in knots, and he couldn't stop shaking!

A sudden overwhelming anger filled him as his nails dug into his palms. Why had Gunter thought it a good idea to break into his room just because the FBI had a case? They weren't at the beck and call of the agents.

Without thinking Cameron let the need to hit something overtake him and slammed his fist into the counter hard enough to rattle the bottles on top of it. It wasn't enough though. He needed something more.

Carding a hand through his hair he quickly spun around the room looking for something to destroy. His breaths came out in pants as he grabbed the first thing he could find and lifted it over his head ready to shatter it.

Before he could get very far though an almost musical laughter filled his ears. It took a second for him to realize what he was hearing, but than it hit him like a freight train. It was Dina and Kay laughing. Genuinely laughing.

He had always loved that noise, but this time it felt like knifes digging into his heart. His knees couldn't support him anymore and he clasped in a pile his hand clutched over his mouth stopping any sound from escaping.

For a moment he simply laid there listening to the woman talk and laugh. They seemed so happy and carefree and he hated them for it. Everything seemed to be perfectly fine for everyone around him and he was just falling apart.

Dropping the glass in his hand he paid no attention to it rolling away from him as his hand came up knead at his chest. His heart was racing so quickly that it hurt and he felt like he couldn't catch his breath.

Curling into a ball he laid there trying to hold himself together. The only noises he could hear were coming from outside the door though they were fading away. It wasn't until he couldn't hear the women again that the pressure on his chest started to fad.

A sudden panic filled him as everything came back to him. He was supposed to be out there with his friends talking about a case. If he didn't move soon then they were going to come and get him themselves.

Taking a broken breath he gripped the counter tightly and climbed to his feet. For the first time that morning he ignored the mirror and started to pull on his outfit. He had to get out there before somebody came in and saw him like that. No one could see him like that.

He was lucky that Gunter hadn't grabbed him more than a pair of jeans and a button up. It wasn't his normal style, but he honestly didn't care at that point. He just wanted to get the meeting over with so he could go back to his room.

Reaching out for the doorknob he glanced at the mirror quickly and froze. Despite the fact that he had been staring at himself for what felt like eons he had missed something that was now smacking him in the face. His eyes were completely bloodshot.

There was no way that he could get away with anything if they saw his eyes. Scrambling he pulled open drawer after drawer desperately. It took some digging, but he was finally able to come up with a pair of sunglasses.

He knew that he would get some weird looks for wearing them, but he had no choice in the moment. Looking in the mirror one more time he tried to ignore the fact that it looked like he was doing a bad imitation of his brother.

Licking his lips Cameron fixed his sunglasses once more making sure his eyes were covered before exiting the bathroom and making his way towards his team. They were already sitting at the table with plates piled high with food.

Swallowing back a nausea he made his way over and forced a smile to his lips. Everyone looked at him and for a moment he felt panicked that they could see right through him. Just as he was deciding whether or not to run Dina smiled happily at him.

"We got Thai for lunch," she offered holding up a container for him to take.

"I'm not hungry," Cameron quickly dismissed as he moved to his chair and sat down, "Sorry. Headache."

"Do you want us to leave?" Kay asked looking between him and the team, "We can do this another day."

"No, I'll be fine."

With a nod of her head Kay started to tell everyone about the case that they needed help on. Around him everyone was throwing out ideas as they attempted to figure out… Whatever it was that was going on. Honestly, he hadn't been paying attention.

Normally, he loved this. Being able to sit around with his team and figure out how the trick had been pulled off. It had always been one of his favorite things to do because he got to sit back and just watch as their minds worked.

That and it had been something that he and Jonathan had been taught to do as kids. It was a good way to train their brains into thinking like a magician's. At least that's what their father said. All he knew was that it was one of the few things their father did that they had truly enjoyed.

The older man would set up a large magic trick that they hadn't seen before. It was never an easy trick either. At minimum there had to be five steps in total and almost every time if the trick wasn't done correctly someone would be hurt.

They would be given exactly one week to figure out how to do it and then perform the trick. Sometimes it ended up perfect the first time. Other times the trick ended up with him or his brother having to go to the hospital.

Those were some of his best memories. He wasn't usually the one that figured out how to do it, that was more of Jonathan's thing, but he still loved it. There was nothing like watching his brother work through a problem. He was brilliant.

Cameron felt himself take a shaky breath as that thought caught him. It was one of the thoughts that he had been trying to fight off ever since his brother went to prison. It never went very far though. It stayed there echoing over and over again reminding him that he was the worthless twin.

He grew up knowing that he was nothing more than the front man of the show. All he ever had to do was memorize a trick that someone else made up and smile. He was just a pretty face to look at and it was better for him not to forget that. It was also his pretty face that got them into trouble more often than not.

Johnny and his father were the smart ones in the family. They could come up with tricks off the top of their head and could work through someone else's like they were nothing. They were the ones that kept the show afloat.

Without his brother there was nothing for him to do beside smile and good was being able to smile if he didn't have people watching him? Without his brother and the show then did he really have a purpose at all?

He knew that the team and his brother tried their best to not make him feel bad about his less than stellar intelligence, but he was never too blind to see the truth about himself. He played his part perfectly and his part was to look pretty and memorize everyone else's hard work. That was it.

There were more times than he could count that he would want to pull out of a show because of that. It was somebody else's hard work and he was getting credit for it. As if he was the one that came up with it.

Every time he forced himself to spend hours learning a new trick he felt nothing but guilt. It was his name plastered all over the place as if he was the one that did anything worthwhile. He was completely worthless. The team was just too nice to say anything.

That was one of the things that his father was good at. He was not the type of person that held back when he thought you messed up. He was not the type of person to hold back at all. You knew exactly what he thought about you the second you met him.

Cameron had spent a lot of time listening to his father point out what was wrong with him. He always got so mad that he wasn't like his twin. That he wasn't smart or strong. That he couldn't take simple direction without messing it all up.

There had been more than a few dishes thrown into walls because he messed up on a simple trick and needed someone to save him before he ended up getting hurt. Those mistakes happened so often it wasn't funny.

He tried so hard too. He wanted nothing more than to make his father proud of him just once. Yet every time he tried he did something to make the man yell at him and once again point out all of his flaws.

To this day he could still hear the man telling him off at every turn he made. He could feel his gut clench angrily and the tears threaten to fall though he knew better than to cry in front of the older man at a very young age.

Having someone yell at him was still something he despised. Luckily, the only person that ever really raised their voice to him was his brother. Not that he was yelling anymore. No, Johnny was too angry at him to yell anymore. Not that he could blame him.

Clenching his jaw at the hurt that filled him Cameron absentmindedly scratched at the crook of his elbow. Even through his shirt it felt as if he could feel the old scars along with the fresh puncture wounds.

A shaky breath left him as his nails dragged down his forearm harshly. He tried so hard to ignore the way his body was shaking, but he felt as if he was about to crumble apart. All he wanted to do was get away from the team and curl into a little ball in the middle of his bed. Well, that wasn't the only thing that he wanted to do.

His mind flashed to the little trick box that he had sitting on his nightstand. He had gotten it from his grandfather as a gift when he was born while Jonathan had gotten a hidden message journal. The man had designed them both himself.

At least that's what their father had told them when they started to question where they came from. Surprisingly enough they rarely got to see their grandfather. It was never brought up why that was, but it rarely ever happened.

That was why the box was so important to him. The fact that his grandfather had decided to spend his time making something for him had put him over the moon. It was his most prized possession.

It was so prized to him that not even Johnny ever really touched it. That box alone was Cam's and Cam's alone. Because of that he had decided that that would be the perfect place to start stashing his drugs.

The first time he had thought that it was disrespectful to the man. He had worked so hard on it and to have it used that way was wrong. Now though… Cameron wasn't sure exactly what had changed, but he didn't care about that anymore.

In his mind the box was the only place that no one on the team would ever look. Even if they did start to suspect something it wasn't as if anyone other than him knew how to open it. Not even Johnny could.

That wasn't to say that he hadn't tried. When he went through withdraw the first time his brother had gone through every inch of everything in the annex looking for the drugs that were hidden all around.

The box had been the one place he hadn't been able to get into. So he demanded that Cameron open it. Of course, he had refused. As much as he loved his brother that box was the only thing that was just his. He couldn't give that up.

That had been the first in a long line of times that Jonathan had lost his temper with him. Something that wasn't all that odd until it was pointed out that he was upset with Cameron. While that did happen a handful of times it was rare.

When he found out that Cameron was doing drugs though he had lost it. The younger twin had never seen his brother go off like that. He had gotten to the point of anger that tears were streaming down his face. It was horrible to watch.

It wasn't until he had seen his brother breakdown like that that he let him help. Anything that made Jonathan lose it like that wasn't worth it. Especially if Johnny forgot himself like that and started to really yell at him.

Johnny wasn't there anymore though. There was no one to protect him from everything that happened inside of his mind. He had to deal with that all on his own and he couldn't do it. He wasn't strong enough.

All he ever wanted to be was strong like his brother and father. He wanted to be able to stand up for himself. He wanted to not flinch whenever someone started to raise their voice at him. He wanted to be everything he wasn't.

Instead he was terrified of small spaces and slept poorly, if at all, during thunderstorms. He couldn't even stay away from drugs without his brother watching over him. He couldn't do anything by himself.

Reaching up he carded a hand through his hair his eyes darting around under his dark lens. The crushing realization that the room was filled with people that thought he was someone he wasn't suddenly filled him.

Not a single one of them knew who he truly was. They all expected him to be like the Cameron Black they saw on the television. Even the team. For as much as he talked about them being a family he knew that he held himself away from them.

He loved them with all of his heart and he would do everything he could to keep them safe. That meant that he had to keep them safe from the weaker of the Black twins. He had to keep them safe from him.

Cameron knew that he wasn't the best person. He had a tendency to bring everyone down to his level without even trying to. All he ever seemed to do was break the things that he cared about. It wasn't just what he had ended up doing when it came to Johnny either. No, it had started all the way back to his childhood and their father.

He had tried so hard to be the perfect on for the other man. Every challenge that the man threw his way he worked his ass off to get just a hint of approval from him. All he seemed to do was fail at every turn he made.

His heart started to speed up as thoughts of his father started to leak through his subconscious once more. No matter how hard to tried it seemed that those thoughts weren't going to leave him alone today.

He used to joke that if it wasn't for the fact that they looked exactly like their father he would have thought he was adopted. Johnny always got angry whenever he said that, but it was the truth. He was nothing like the other Black men.

Maybe it would have been better if he hadn't been part of the family at all. No, that wasn't right. It would have been better if he had never been born. Both his father and his brother would have been better off without him. The whole world would be better if he hadn't been born.

Feeling as if he had to get away from everyone he forced himself to smile not wanting to bring any more attention to himself. As he moved he felt eyes studying him. He knew that he really couldn't be surprised by that. Eyes were always on him.

A part of him told him that if he turned around he knew that it would have been both Kay and Dina watching him. The both of them always seemed to be watching. Though it was for two very different reasons.

Dina had been watching him out of worry since Johnny went to jail. She had been closest to them both and felt a little bit of what Cameron was feeling. Because of that she tried and failed to fill in the spot that his brother left.

Kay, on the other hand, watched him like she was trying to figure him out. That had been what she did ever since he walked into the airplane carrier. He didn't want to know what she had found out about him so far.

At that moment in time though he couldn't even pretend that he could handle that. He needed to get away from them all. He needed to get to his room and get to that box. He needed to not be in his head. At least not alone in it. He couldn't be alone.

Every move he made was calculated perfectly to make no one think they needed to follow him. That was the last thing that he needed in that moment. No, all he needed was locked in a box away from prying eyes.

"Cameron," Dina called out before he got to the door, "What do you think?"

Blinking a few times the man quickly racked his brain attempting to figure out what they had been talking about. How could he not remember? They had been sitting around talking for… How long had they been talking?

Before he could give an answer the nausea reared its head again. Reaching up Cameron quickly covered his mouth trying to hold it at bay as he rushed out of the room. Getting to the bathroom once more he dropped to his knees as he spilled all of the food in his stomach.

His stomach felt as if it was being turned inside out and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Nails clutched desperately at the porcelain while tears of pain rolled down his face. He truly hated throwing up.

"Oh, Cam," Dina whispered sitting next to him on the floor, "Are you okay?"

Spitting out the last of the bile in his mouth he rested his head on the toilet letting out a pathetic groan. The woman let out a soft sigh beside him her hand coming to rest on his back in what was supposed to be a comforting motion. Instead it make him tense until slowly the hand slipped off his back.

"Sweetheart," Dina started her voice softer than normal like she thought he might break.

"I don't feel well," Cameron cut her off not wanting to hear it, "Can you send everyone home?"

"Of course. Do you want me to..."

"No, I just want to go to bed. You should just go home. Please."

Dina sat there for a moment before sighing again and standing up to leave. He could hear everyone talking softly before the building fell silent. Even after that though he sat there quietly making sure everyone had more than enough time to leave.

His whole body felt both like it was on fire and like it was dunked in an ice bath. It was difficult to move but he forced himself to climb to his feet and make his way to his bedroom towards the one thing he knew could help him.

When he got to his room he was stumbling like a new born calf. His hip checked the side of the nightstand before he fell half onto the mattress. The last of his energy was spent pulling himself across it towards the box.

He was panting heavily feeling as if he couldn't catch his breath. Reaching out he gripped the box tightly knowing the pain would finally stop. It took him longer than it had ever to crack the code he knew by heart. After that though there was nothing standing in his way anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

It's been brought up that the things Cameron think about him aren't really what he shows in the show. I hope that this chapter breaks down a bit of what I think is going on with him.

Also, does anyone know if Cam or Johnny have middle names? Because if not they totally do now!

Warning: Drug Abuse, Self-Harm, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts, Psychological Abuse.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

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Massaging his temples with his fingers Jonathan tried to ignore the trepidation as he heard his brother's voice once more. It was the fifth time that week that he had gotten the message and he had only tried to call him five times.

Ever since he got put in prison his brother had been calling or visiting him daily. Even if it was just to say that he was still trying to find a way to get him free there was always some word from the younger man.

That was not who his brother was. He never, never, walked away from anyone. Especially his twin. Even when there was a damn good reason to walk away he was right there; waiting for them to need him.

It was the greatest asset and the greatest flaw of Cam. He was such a good person that wanted to believe that everyone around him was a good person as well. That thinking had gotten him hurt time and time again and yet he still believed.

Jonathan did not share that same belief. He knew that most people would choose themselves over everyone else any day. He was behind bars because someone decided they wanted to be the worst version of themselves.

He always thought that was why he and Cam were twins. They were opposite sides of the same coin. They needed each other to survive whatever it was that the world threw at them. Being without each other...

Every day that passed without him hearing from his brother just made him more and more worried about him and, if he was honest, about himself. He knew that being locked away from the people that he cared about was not doing him any favors.

Johnny needed Cameron to bring a little light into his life or he'd end up just like their father had. Drunk and alone. While Cam needed Jonathan to anchor him down in reality so he didn't float off into space and get himself killed.

Their relationship had always been like that. It's just the way that they were and both of them enjoyed it. They liked knowing that they never had to doubt that they weren't going to be alone. They would always have each other.

Johnny had joked more than once that even if he had killed the Mystery Woman Cam were be right by his side. He's have that kicked puppy look on his face, but he'd still be right there talking to him as if nothing had changed.

Being locked in prison had brought some things into perspective. Like the fact that he was not the strong brother. That was Cam. He was the one that built walls around himself as soon as he got hurt knowing that he couldn't do it again.

Cameron, on the other hand, took the hurt with a smile and kept moving forward as if nothing had changed. He'd rather continually get hurt by the people that he loved then sit alone with a wall around him safe from pain. It was his favorite thing about his brother.

Which just made him all the more worried about him. Jonathan was the one that would stop calling if Cam ended up in prison. Okay, so he would have already broken his brother out, but that was not the point. The point was, Cameron not calling him even if it was just to check in was a very bad thing.

Those calls were the best thing about his day. They kept him tied to the real world and he needed that. It was so easy to fall into the life that came with prison. Without the phone calls he knew he'd lose himself.

At least he knew that now. When he was first put away he was perfectly okay with falling away from the man he was. He was okay with being away from his brother. The last thing he wanted to do was be around the ball of sunshine that was Cameron Black.

He had been so angry at the situation that he had been caught in that he was just done with it all. He didn't care if he never got out and he sure as hell didn't care about anyone that claimed to 'care' about him.

He had been pissed off at his brother most of all. It wasn't exactly the proudest moment of his life, but he had blamed his brother for everything that had happened that night for longer than he liked to admit.

It was his fault that he was in New York anyway. If Cameron had just let him out of the magical life than he wouldn't have been in New York that night, he wouldn't have met MW, and he wouldn't have ended up in prison!

He had wanted to pull off the 'greatest illusion ever'! Which was actually what he called pretty much every trick that they performed, but that was just a part of who Cameron was. He was pretty much a puppy.

It had taken Johnny awhile to admit that it wasn't his brother's fault that he was there. Yes, he had convinced him to do the trick even after he knew that he wanted to leave, but none of it was his fault.

It was easy to blame the man though. It was easy to say that if he had just listened to Jonathan and taken into consideration what he was feeling that none of it would have happened. It was a cop out though.

He had wanted to blame his twin because if he did than that meant it hadn't be his fault. He hadn't acted stupid and rashly. He hadn't royally screwed himself over. He wasn't to blame for ended up behind bars.

Except he had and he was. When the New York trick had first come up he had pulled his brother to the side and told he that he was tired and wanted to leave the show. He had explained that he was done hiding and wanted to go out in the world on his own.

Now he realized just how harsh he had sounded. He made it seem like he was going to drop his twin without a second thought. Which was why the man looked as if he had just sucker punched him. It wasn't that he was leaving the show; it was that he was leaving him.

That was why he needed his brother around. He sucked at reading emotions. He just went with his first thought and figured that he was right. He had been so wrong that day and it had cost him everything.

Because he had read his brother's emotions wrong, which had been known to happen when he was in a mood, he had said that he would do the show hoping that that would erase the look from his face. He hadn't wanted to hurt Cam like that.

If he had just stuck to his guns and had a real conversation with his twin than everything would have been fine. Cameron would have understood that he wasn't leaving the team and he sure as hell wasn't leaving him.

All he had wanted to do was leave performing. He wanted to be able to go where he wanted when he wanted. Okay, so there were a few holes in his plan now that he had time to think about it, but he that was what he had wanted.

It wasn't like him to not think things through, but he had been so tired of hiding away and listening to people call him by his brothers name. He had gotten a little angry and that never ended well for him.

It sucked that no that he was in prison that all the thoughts were coming to him. Everything that he could have done different suddenly was crystal clear and there wasn't a thing he could do to change any of it.

He should have come up with ways to explain where he was coming from. Cam would have understood he had been in the same boat growing up. He knew exactly what it felt like to be hidden away from the public eye.

He should have told his brother that he wasn't being abandoned. That he needed time to figure out who he was away from magic. That he would call everyday and visit at least once a month. That he would never forget that he had a twin. There had been so many different ways to handle the situation and he had chosen to ignore them all.

It might have taken him awhile to accept it, but Jonathan knew that what had happened was on him and the Mystery Woman. He had let her get into his head and drag him down a path. He should have known better.

That was his major fault though. He held onto his anger better than anyone else. He also took it out on people that didn't deserve it. As much as he hated to admit it he usually ended up taking it out on his brother.

That anger had been his downfall. He had been angry at his father for what he put him through when he was a child and when he died Jonathan ended up putting the anger he still held on his brother instead of letting it go.

Cameron had gone through hell when they were kids, just like he had, but his twin had a better outlook on life. He rarely got mad whenever people hurt him and when he did he let go of the anger after some time had passed.

That had been a lesson that he had learned after he was imprisoned. He had let go of his misplaced anger towards his brother. Which was surprisingly a freeing moment. He liked knowing that there was one person that never willingly hurt him.

It was because of that that Johnny realized that he wouldn't have made it as far as he had if it wasn't for his brother's way of looking at the world. In a place like prison it was almost impossible to find a source of light. That was Cam's strength.

It was such an odd role reversal from when they were younger. He had always been the one that took care of them. It was a job that he took seriously and one that he hadn't realized how much he loved until he couldn't do it.

It never occurred to him that he wouldn't be able to take care of his brother one day. And he sure as hell never thought that it would be his brother that was holding him together while his world fell apart.

It wasn't as if he thought that Cameron couldn't do it. It just hadn't happened before that. Cam was the soft one while he was the on that held back from everything. He needed to be protected more than Jonathan did.

For as close as they looked physically they couldn't not be more different mentally. If was actually a bit of a joke between the two of them. That was why he had as many issues with his brother protecting him as he did.

He was the one that saw the world in a much darker light. He saw the anger and the pain that surrounded them. He was the one that walked around expecting to get screwed over by anyone and everything.

Cam was so different. The younger man had these rose colored glasses that he looked at everything with. He was pure. How he ended up that way after their childhood was beyond him, but that's what happened.

At least that's how he had been before Johnny had ended up locked away in prison with only twenty minute to an hour of time spent between them. Daily. With Jonathan not being there to talk to him or distract him from everything he was changing and not in a good way.

First, it was realizing that their father was an asshole and their childhood had sucked in many ways. Cameron loved their father. It didn't matter how badly they were treated he have loved the man with all of his heart.

The fact that he was starting to see the man for who he really was was not a good thing in Jonathan's book. Which was odd considering how many time he had wanted to rip the glasses from his brother's face. Now all he wanted was for his little brother to not lose the part of him that made him who he was.

The other thing that changed was the thing that terrified Jonathan the most. He had done everything in his power to make sure that it never came back. That his brother was fine and as far away from those thoughts as possible.

He wasn't there though. He couldn't watch for the signs that his brother needed him to step up. He couldn't help Cameron come back from the edge that had threatened to wash him away time and time again.

It had shocked him the first time he realized what was going on. It didn't seem right. Cam was this loving and happy person. There was no real reason for him to hate himself as much as he did. And he did hate himself.

He was the one thing that he looked at and saw the absolute worse. When he heard his brother talking about himself it felt like getting sucker punched in the face. How he could think so badly about himself was beyond him.

In Johnny's eyes his brother was the best person on the planet. He was sweet and kind. He would spend hours sitting with you saying nothing or talking about whatever came to mind just because he thought you were in a bad mood. He was good.

Somehow though Cameron saw none of that. To himself he was loud and annoying. He was so stupid that he could barely function. He was better off locking himself in his room and never seeing anyone again.

That was the main reason that Jonathan hated their father. The man had no idea how to take care of someone like Cameron. He hadn't realized that they were two totally different people that needed totally different things.

He wasn't a fan of admitting it, but he knew that he was like his father. They were both cynical people. They saw the worse in everyone and lived by the motto 'screw them over before they screw you'. It was just a fact.

Cam was so much softer than either their father or himself could ever wish to be. The last thing that he responded to was yelling and name calling. He didn't fight when someone told him he was stupid.

Which had been exactly what their father had said to him. Over and over again he pointed out every little 'flaw' that his sons had. It was to help 'teach' them how to survive in the real world. Because that made it all better.

Jonathan could let the names roll off his back without second thought. He didn't care what the man thought about him. He knew the man was a jackass and he truly did not need him in his life. Just because the man was his father didn't give him a free pass. No one was allowed to make him feel like he was nothing.

Cameron wasn't him though. He didn't shake the hit off and stand back up as if nothing happened. He took every hit to the heart. He believed what their father said because, in his own words, _Dad's just trying to make us better._

All he had ever wanted to do was make the people around him happy and proud of him. He would bend over backwards to help someone even if it meant that he got hurt doing it. He'd do it all with this smile on his face like he was content being hurt.

Their father hadn't seen what a gift that was. He didn't see that Cameron was the type of person that had to be protected at all cost. A sweet little cinnamon bun. At least that's what Dina had called him. Johnny couldn't exactly argue against that analogy.

Jonathan had tried his hardest to keep the man as innocent as possible. He would sit there for as long as his brother needed talking him through what was happening around them and helping him be okay with it.

In some ways he had succeeded. Cam still thought that the world was genuinely good. He still did everything in his power to bring a little happiness into the lives of everyone he ran in to. He was still himself.

Until he started to talk about himself. Suddenly he became their father. Every word out of his mouth was something the man had said. It was never anything nice either. No, it was how stupid and useless he was. It was calling himself a child. It was saying he should be more like Johnny.

Every single word was knocking him further and further into the ground as if that was where he belonged. He would tell himself so many lies that it was hard to figure out what he thought about himself or what their father had thought of him.

Nothing Jonathan ever said made a difference either. He was Cam's big brother so, of course, that meant he was being overly nice to him. His words meant nothing against all the lies that their father had put in his mind.

The man had always claimed that it was to make them better. That Cameron had to be the best if they were going to survive. In other words, they had to make money if they were going to be useful to him.

So he would spend hours upon hours teaching them tricks that they were too young to learn. He'd yell and call names whenever it took them 'too long' to learn something. He'd throw glasses and plates at walls in frustration when they needed to take a break so they could eat or sleep.

As sad as it sounded Johnny knew that he cared more about Cam then he did him. It had hurt once upon a time, but he wasn't the one on the stage. He wasn't the one that was earning the family money.

No, what he did was protect his brother. He yelled back if their father was pushing too hard. He helped his twin perfect tricks. He'd make them food whenever they were hungry. He was the one that took care of them.

That never stopped Sebastian though. All he wanted to do was turn Cameron into the perfect little magician. It didn't matter that he was already amazing at it. He wasn't perfect and therefore he wasn't working hard enough.

Nothing he ever did was good enough for the _great_ Sebastian Black. Nope and it destroyed Cam. Over and over Jonathan watched as his sunshine of a little brother was broken until he had no self-esteem left and there was nothing he could do about it.

He had tried too. He tried his hardest to feed the little boy love and happiness to stop him from dying. He'd sneak out of the house to buy him books so he could learn something new. He'd do everything he could think of to keep his brother there.

Cam just stopped being himself though. Until it felt like it was too late to help and there was nothing that he could do. Especially since his brother had completely given up on himself. He just quit thinking that he was worth the effort.

Oh, he could fake it with the best of them. Unless you knew what to look for it was impossible to tell that he rarely had a real smile on his face. He had the team and the rest of the world completely fooled into thinking he was someone he wasn't. It was all a lie. Their father had taken that away all of that from him. Brick by brick until there was nothing left.

It was heartbreaking to think about the person that he had been growing up. He had been so bright that a room would light up just with that small, shy smile he used to have. There wasn't a person that knew him that didn't adore him.

Cam had always been the loud, talkative one. He used to run around talking to everyone that he could trying to get them to each him something new. He had been happy and curious about everything he saw.

Watching Cameron lose all the hope that made him special had been the scariest thing that he had ever seen. If someone as good as his brother could fall then what hope did someone like him have at surviving the world?

Actually, thinking about it that wasn't the scariest thing. The scariest was seeing where he ended up in the end. The last thing that he ever thought he'd see was his little brother with a needle in his arm.

That was so far off the type of person that Cameron was that it wasn't even funny. They both knew better than to ever fall down that rabbit hole. They had seen too many people get lost and never get back out to ever do something like that.

At least that's what he had thought. Seeing Cam like that though had thrown him for a loop. He was supposed to know his twin inside and out and that was just proof that he didn't. That he had failed him.

Okay, so he had known that something was wrong. It was all in the man's eyes. His eyes were the easiest thing to read about him and when they started to look as if he was about to start crying at any minute Johnny knew to look closer.

He stomach had a huge knot in it every time they were around each other, but they were rarely alone when they were on tour. Small inclosed spaces were not good for conversations like that. So he had had to wait. He waited too long.

That was the exact same feeling that he had now. He couldn't shake the idea that something had happened while he was locked away. The fact that he hadn't seen his brother in days just made it all the worse.

Every bone in his body was telling him to get to his brother and figure out what was going on. He had promised Cameron that he would do it the right way though. That he would get out of prison legally. Still, he wasn't going to last long before he did do something himself.

"Black," a guard barked out as he hung up the phone, "Visitor."

Jonathan felt his heart speed up at that. Was it possible that Cam was finally coming to see him? That he had just been sick and hadn't been able to come to see him? That was a perfectly logical explanation. Right?

All he knew was that he needed to see the man before he went insane. Even with that thought in mind though he made sure that his movements were calm and calculated as he went to the room. No need to attract attention.

The door opened to an empty room and he found himself impatiently waiting for his visitor. He luckily didn't have to wait long before the door was opening and Dina was walking in. Without meaning to he slumped in his seat.

"Hoping for someone else?" the woman questioned taking a seat across from him.

"You could say that," Jonathan responded crossing his arms over his chest his mask falling back into place.

"Someone like Cameron?"

Jerking his head up Jonathan narrowed his eyes taking the woman in. It was easy to see the worry in her eyes as she stared back. It had never been all that difficult to read Dina. That was one of the main reasons that he liked her so much.

That and the fact that she didn't put up with him. She held no qualms calling him out when he was being, as Cameron liked to say, a walking, talking dick. She had always laughed whenever he was called that. She loved Cameron and him bickering.

She also just plain adored Cam. He might have dated the woman, but he knew that she and his brother were closer. Something that always made him feel better. Cameron deserved to be surrounded by people that truly cared about him. And if they were the type of people to smack some sense into him all the better.

Which was exactly what Dina did. Well, when she knew what to look for. There were points in time when Cameron could fool her just as well as he fooled everyone else. It didn't happen nearly as often, but it was still too often for his taste.

She was one of the few reasons he stayed in prison as long as he had. As much as he loved Gunter and Jordan he knew they didn't exactly see Cameron. They fell for his ruse more often than not and thing good came from that. She didn't.

"Tell me," Jonathan demanded leaning forward his nails digging into his arms.

"I wish I could," Dina shook her head, "But I have no idea what is going on with him. I've never seen him act like his is. I'm really starting to worry. Do you have any ideas?"

"Well, since I haven't heard from him in days..."

"Days? What do you mean days? He leaves every day at the same time to come visit you. Just like he always has. Which was two hours ago. He wasn't here?"

"Dina, he hasn't even answered his phone."

Messing with her jacket Dina stared at the table her eyes darting around as if she was looking at the information he had just given her. She was right. It wasn't like the Cameron she knew. Then again she hadn't been around when he was taking drugs. She didn't know the mess that he had been back then.

That had actually been an argument between the twins when they first started the team. Jonathan had wanted to tell them about it all so they could look for signs of a relapse. Cam just wanted to put it in the past and leave it there. At the moment in time he really regretted letting his brother convince him not to tell.

He had just looked so terrified at the idea of people knowing what had happened. It didn't matter how many times he told his brother that everyone made mistakes. The only thing he got back was the same bullshit their father said about him being stupid and weak.

"Johnny," Dina started breaking through his thoughts, "Do you know what's going on with him?"

"Maybe," he admitted before clearing his throat, "I need more information. Tell me what's been going on."

"Umm… Okay. He's not talking nearly as much as he normally does. We're lucky if we can get a full conversation out of him and when he does talk it's nasty. Not towards us, of course, but towards himself. It's like he's lost all faith in himself."

Closing his eyes Jonathan clenched his jaw as her words washed over him. That sounded so much like the man his brother tried his hardest to hide. The one that he never wanted any to know about.

"He says it's because he has a headache," she continued unaware of his internal monologue, "But it's been awhile and he's not getting better. Add to that the shaking and sweating. It's like that time he had the flu. I know he's thrown up more than a few times."

His heart beat angrily in his chest at the symptoms he knew all too well. He had watched the man go through it the first time and been by his side, but now he was locked in a cell and his brother refused to see him.

"He's also spending all of this time in his bedroom or the basement. At least that's where I find him when Kay is looking for him. He hasn't even been working with the FBI either! I don't know what he does, but he..."

"Wait…" Jonathan interrupted his eyes going wide, "Back up."

"I know. It makes no sense. Cam wants nothing more than to get you..."

"No. No. Not that. He's spending time in the basement? Are you sure?"

"Yes?"

"Shit."

"Jonathan?"

Standing up the man started pacing the small room cursing under his breath. Even with everything laid out in front of him he had hoped that he was wrong. Cam going to the basement though… That sealed it. He was using again. And he was locked up in prison unable to help.

This had been his greatest fear since they were kids. He had worked his ass off trying to keep Cam safe from everything. He had failed when it came to their father, but it never occurred to him to protect him from himself.

Despite what Sebastian had said about Cameron Jonathan had never doubted his brother's skills. He knew that his twin was smart and strong. He knew him better than he even knew himself. If there was one person on the planet that he had complete faith in it was his brother. It was why he knew he'd get him out of prison.

Okay, so it wasn't taking a little while, but that wasn't because his brother wasn't smart. It was because he knew that it had to be done the right way. If they took any short cuts than neither of them would ever be able to live without looking over their shoulders.

It might take Cameron a little longer to figure out problems then it did Johnny, but that wasn't his skill set. Jonathan was analytical. He spent all of his time in his brain coming up with hundreds of tricks and plans because he was bored.

Cameron though, he could master five tricks in the time it took Jonathan to do one. He learned things so quickly it was amazing to watch. It wasn't just tricks either. He learned how to speak Russian in one week! He had skills.

Sebastian, unsurprisingly, rode Cam a lot harder than he ever did Johnny. Which made sense in a messed up way. Cameron was the one that was on stage. It was his name all over the place. He was the one that had to be perfect for the camera.

That translated to being perfect off camera too. Perfection came at a high cost though. One that Cam had never really recovered from because, to this day, he still pretended to be perfect in front of them all.

Not that he ever saw it that way. Jonathan had no idea why his brother never saw the abuse that their father doled out, but he had never been blinded by the man. It might not have been physical, but he was still abusive.

But no, Cam would never see that. he only saw the 'bad' in himself. Sometimes Jonathan hated himself for not seeing what was going on sooner and getting them out of there. Maybe Cameron wouldn't be the person he was now. Maybe he wouldn't be doing drugs again.

"Jonathan, please," Dina pleaded moving to stand in front of him, "Tell me what the hell is going on."

"I..." he started only to stop and look away, "I can't."

"What do you mean 'you can't'? Cameron needs help."

"I know, but I promised him that..."

"Jonathan Nicolas Black!"

Hearing the woman use his full name Johnny froze. She hadn't done that in a long time, but he still knew exactly what was about to happen. The glare that was on her face only made him more sure that he wasn't going to like what happened next.

"Dina," he tried to say wanting to explain how Cam begged him not to tell anyone.

"No, something is obviously wrong with Cameron and you will tell me what it is," she stated the threat clear as she crossed her arms and stepped closer.

"I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone."

"And is he going to care about that if he ends up six feet under? Yes, you'll be the brother of the year then."

Glaring at the woman he opened his mouth to tell her off only to have the words hit him. She was right. Cam was obviously falling and if he didn't do something then his brother might end up exactly like she said. He couldn't stand that thought.

"I think..." he started before sighing and carding a hand through his hair, "I think Cam's doing drugs."

"Drugs?" Dina questioned incredulously before scoffing, "He would never..."

"He would. He… He has. He started when we were teenagers. I know he's been clean since then, I made sure of that, but..."

"Oh no."

"What?"

"Awhile back, right after he got trapped in that vault, he worked on a case with Jordan. When everything was done Jordan had ended up with a pocket full of drugs. Cameron took them to give to Kay. Do you think..."

Lips in a grim line he moved back to the table and clasped into his seat. He had hoped that it was all behind them. That Cam would never have to go through that again. He had just wanted his brother to be happy and safe. He'd do anything to make sure that he was.

"What are we going to do?" Dina whispered falling into her own seat.

"I don't know," he shook his head feeling more lost than he had in a long time, "Just… Can you get Cameron here? I need to talk to him."

"Of course. I'll bring him tomorrow."


	5. Chapter 5

Alright, so this story is going to come to a close soon. I'd stretch it out more, but I'm having a hard time writing it and the last thing I want to do is abandon or ruin it. That being said it's be interesting to write and I've been loving the reviews I've gotten. Thank you to everyone that's still with me and a special thanks to Chiflower for being an amazing person and helping me throughout this story!

Warning: Drug Abuse, Self-Harm, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts, Psychological Abuse.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

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Wrapping his jacket tighter around himself Cameron slowly climbed out of the cab the rest of the team not far behind him. He had been drifting in and out of the conversation, but he knew that they were making fun of him for wearing not just his suit but his jacket as well.

He just hadn't been able to get warm lately. It didn't matter how many jackets he wore or how many blankets he was under it felt like he was being frozen from the inside out. Something that he didn't want to admit was a familiar feeling.

Both Jordan and Gunter had started to attempt to figure out what was wrong with him. They had even started to search the internet for diseases that could be killing him. It was as if they were playing a game with him.

One that scared him more than he liked to admit. Even in his blitzed out stage he knew that it would be too easy to figure out what was going on if they tried hard enough. Well, if they ever believed that he'd do something like take drugs.

It had been pointed out numerous times over the years that he was the 'good' twin. Somehow Jonathan had gotten it into everyone's head that he was the one that was most likely to get into a fight or yell at an old woman walking too slowly.

Yes, he was a little abrasive and wasn't really a huge fan of people, but he was a good person. It was Cameron that had a tendency to lose it. He had gotten so used to hiding though that no one paid attention to his actions. At least they didn't used to.

Lately he noticed that Dina was watching him closely. For the small amount of time that he saw the woman her eyes were always locked on him. She hadn't said a word out of the ordinary so he had no idea what was going on in her head, but it put him on edge.

At the same time though he couldn't help but feel grateful towards her. So far she was the only person that wasn't questioning him about what was going on in his mind. He couldn't deal with that from another person at the moment.

That was another reason that he had stopped being around Kay as much as he used to. Not only did the woman know that something was going on with him she wanted to know what it was. And she did not like hearing him say no.

The amount of time he had heard her say that they were friends and he could talk to her was frankly annoying. She didn't seem to get that he didn't want to talk to her at all. Well, that wasn't exactly true.

Up until that morning he hadn't talked to her in days. He just couldn't do it anymore. The confused and hurt looks that she was sending him were too much. It was like she was trying to figure him out.

He couldn't let that happen. So what if he had to walk away from Jonathan and Kay to keep his secret? They were better off without him anyway. They were just too blinded by their own sense of duty to see that.

It was easier to walk away with his brother. All he had to do was ignore his phone calls and not visit him. No problem. It wasn't as if his heart felt like it was being ripped out of his chest every single time someone so much as mentioned his twin. Anyway, if it did he deserved whatever pain came his way.

The only problem with his plan was how often people seemed to talk about Johnny. From when they were working on tricks to when they were going through books someone always brought him up. Hell, whenever Gunter made breakfast he ended up talking about how much he missed Johnny.

Every single day the team ended up reminding him just how much they loved his brother and how much they missed him. How was it he never noticed just how often they talked about him? It was like they were falling apart without their fearless leader.

Once upon a time he had tried to fill the spot. He had tried so hard to be everything that they needed whenever they needed it, but he wasn't his brother. He couldn't take care of them like he was supposed to. He couldn't even take care of himself.

Feeling a gentle pressure on his back Cameron spun around his heart ready to pound out of his chest. He wasn't quite sure what he was expecting to see, but it wasn't Dina staring at him in the same caring way she had been lately.

He opened his mouth to apologize to her, but when nothing came out he quickly spun on his heels and walked into the FBI building pointedly ignoring the worried looks that he knew his team was sending him as he tugged his jacket closer. They had bigger things to worry about anyway.

Like the fact that Kay had called him that morning saying that Deakins had 'requested' him and the team come in. Actually, she had called Dina so he didn't have the chance to say no. If he did answer his phone for her.

Every time her name flashed on his phone though all he could do was remember what she said about her sister. Kay had grown up with someone like him she would easily be able to see who he really was.

So he was hiding from her. The last thing he wanted was for her to find out what he had been doing and… Honestly, he was a little fuzzy on what she would do to him, but… Why was he avoiding her again?

Yes, he was taking drugs and she was an FBI agent, but the worst thing that would happen to him was losing the FBI resources he was using to help Johnny. Well, that and losing the somewhat uneasy relationship that he had with her. He wasn't completely sure that was a bad thing.

Especially since she and everyone expected him to be someone that he wasn't. Someone that ran head first into a dangerous situation that might get him killed. Which was a reasonable thing to tie him to since that was pretty much the only thing he did lately.

If they were back touring and the only risk was him losing his own life though each and every one of them would be yelling about him being stupid and suicidal. Instead he was helping others and that meant he was only stupid.

Not that it really matter who he was helping. All he wanted to do was make sure that the people he cared about didn't have to do it themselves. He might not have known Kay and Mike for long and they might be much more skilled than he was but he did care about them.

 _That_ was the reason that he wasn't answering her phone calls. Being high might do things to his thoughts, but he still knew that he was high. It didn't matter to him if he died out on a case. If he died he died. The world would be a better place.

It wasn't just him though. Not when they were out in the field. It was Kay and it was Mike and it was Dina, Gunter, and Jordan. It was innocent people that could very well be killed if he wasn't at the top of his game. He would never forgive himself if someone got hurt. He couldn't lose them too.

So he quit answering her phone calls and texts. He made sure that he wasn't around whenever she came over and that was that. It wasn't as if the team would take a case without him anyway. They needed the front man.

That should have been the end of it. Except he had forgotten that he wasn't the only person that was friends with the agents. So was everyone else. He should have realized that Kay would go to Dina after not hearing from him.

All of that led him to where he currently was. Walking into the FBI offices with his team excitedly following behind him. If he had just talked to Kay and said that they couldn't work the case then everything would be fine. Instead he ran away from the situation and now he was stuck without an exit plan.

Beside him Gunter and Jordan were talking with Mike about everything that had been happening while they were 'busy'. That garnered him a look from all the men who obviously knew that he was the one keeping them away from cases.

Without thought Cameron shoved his hands into his pocket roughly. It was barely enough of a twitch to notice, but the team knew him. They also, despite all the joking that had come his way, all knew that something was wrong with him.

It was easy to tell that he wasn't at his best. At least he was guessing it was easy to tell. With how often he felt their eyes following him there was no way around it. One didn't get the looks he had been getting without some questions not being asked.

Jordan and Gunter obviously weren't as subtle as Dina, but they still didn't ask outright what was wrong. It was as if they thought that he was about to go off the deep end and do something stupid. Like break his brother out of prison and disappear.

Because _obviously_ that was something that he would do. He wasn't getting his way so he was going throw everything that they had been working towards out the window. Made perfect sense to him!

What they didn't see was how far off that was. Cameron loved his brother with all of his heart, but at the moment in time he was the last person that he wanted to see. He just couldn't deal with the disappointment that he knew would be in his brother's eyes.

He knew that the second his twin looked at him everything that he had been hiding would go out the window. After everything that the man had done to get him sober the first time he couldn't just throw that in his face. It was easier to ignore him anyway. He'd been doing it for…

Come to think of it, Cameron had no idea how long it had been since he last talked to his brother. He could remember telling the team he was going to go see Johnny, but he never made it more than a block away where he hid out until he could go back without questions.

He still wasn't sure exactly what had made him not go that day, but he knew it was for the best. After that it was easy to stop everything else. No phone calls or visits. Nothing. Just him finally letting his brother be free of him.

Not that it had been exactly easy. If Kay wasn't calling him than it was Johnny. Cam knew that if he actually looked at his messages he'd see more than a few from his twin, but he couldn't force himself to look.

Lately it seemed as if every single time his phone was going off it was Jonathan. It had to have been days since they last spoke and it seemed as if the man hadn't gotten the hint that he was letting him go.

Something that made no sense to Cam at all. His brother should hate him with everything that he had done to him. The list was long and if anyone read it than they would throw Cameron in a cell and throw away the key. They should have done that to begin with.

Maybe he had been going about the situation all wrong. Despite the fact that he had quit talking to his brother and Kay he hadn't really walked away from them. They both knew exactly where to find him if they needed to.

Of course. That's exactly what he should have done from the very beginning. He never should have stayed after Johnny was locked away. He had already done enough damage. He should have left a long time ago.

Jonathan had always been his protector. From dangerous stunts that their father wanted him to pull off at the drop of a hat to saving him from ODing from drugs. His brother was always right there to take care of him. Even if it meant hurting himself.

He even went as far as to ignore what Cameron wanted for what he needed. A part of Cam was more than a little confused that the man hadn't shown up already. He could easily breakout of prison if he wanted to.

It was something that they had talked about even before Johnny had been arrested. The idea of breaking out of some place that was supposed to be escape proof was something that all magicians wanted to be able to do at least once in their lifetime. Before everything happened they had at least thirteen ways to breakout.

When everything started with the drugs he had hoped that his brother would show up and help him again. That he'd be the person that he always was and he'd rescue Cam from himself. He didn't though.

With all the plans that they had made and the abilities that Johnny had it would be easy for the man to show up. He had talked about escaping more times than Cameron could count. Yet he was still locked behind bar.

Everyday that passed without his brother not showing up his worst fear was realized. Which he knew was ridiculous. Jonathan was in prison. He couldn't just randomly show up because he was worried about Cameron. Not without erasing everything they had done to set him free for good.

Not that he had actually done anything awhile. He told the time that the time he spent down in the basement or locked in his room was because he was researching different ways to get his brother out. It was a fairly big lie.

Instead he was usually curled in a ball staring at the wall while his brain worked in overtime. Not about Johnny. No, he thought about every time that he had ever failed. He thought about magic tricks he hadn't been able to pull off. He thought about every bad thing said about him.

Everything he had done for the last year had been to get his brother out of prison. It was the only thing that he cared about. He had been willing to throw all that he had away to help get his brother free.

He hadn't done any work on the case since he started again. At first he had tried too. His mind was running so quickly he thought that maybe he could finally help set him free. Instead all he did was get reminded of how much he had failed.

After everything that his twin had done for him and he couldn't even get evidence to prove that he hadn't committed murder. What good was he to Jonathan if he couldn't do something as simple as that? What good was he at all?

In the beginning all he had wanted to do was get his brother back. He was no good without him. It was clear to everyone that watched him. He was the weaker of them. The one that couldn't stand on his own two feet.

If it wasn't for Jonathan he would have gotten lost in the shadows a long time ago and he wasn't sure that was a bad thing. That was something else they ended up arguing about a lot when they were younger.

Johnny wanted him to be more independent. He always said that he was the one that lived in the shadows not Cam. It was almost as if he wanted Cameron to live twice as much life because their father took away his.

Shockingly enough that did not make him feel all that much better. He didn't want to be in the spotlight. He didn't want people to know his name. He didn't want the life that his father had chosen for him to have.

Cam had always been jealous of his brother. Not that he said that out loud. It would do no good to admit to the man that he would have traded lives with him in a heartbeat. Jonathan was too bitter for him to take it any way but wrong.

It was the truth though. As much as he loved magic and performing he didn't like being the center of attention. Yes, he was good at capturing people's eyes, but that was just because he had been taught by their father.

If he had it his way he would gladly take the shadows. He just really wasn't a fan of people watching his every move. Or was he? How sad was it that he didn't really even know who he was anymore.

Getting of the elevator he and the rest of the team walked into the bullpen. His mind screamed at him that everyone could see what he had done. That he wasn't fooling anyone. They were all just waiting for him to fall dead so they could stop faking that they cared.

Cameron had to bite his lip to stop from making a noise. Taking a hand out of his pocket he reached up to brush his hair out of his face only to feel his heart stop when he saw how badly his hand was shaking. With his other hand he grabbed hold of his wrist and held it tightly his nails digging in. He was in the middle of the FBI and he was losing the little high that he had leftover from his last hit.

The box that he kept all his supplies in had been practically empty when he went to sleep the night before. It only had enough to get him through to hopefully find a supplier. Which he hadn't been able to do.

Now he losing his high and he was surrounded by people. Not just anybody either. No, people that could destroy everything. The team and the FBI… Everything that he had worked for would be gone and he'd probably end up in a cell next to his brother.

Maybe that was exactly what he deserved. Johnny should never have been in that position let alone in prison. He was the one that had caused all of it. He was the one that should have been thrown in a cage and locked away. It would have been better for everyone if he was just gone.

"Cam… Cameron!"

Hearing someone yell his name the magician's head jerked up. Everyone was staring at him. It was something that he should have been used to, but for the first time in a long time he felt like he couldn't breathe. He had to get away.

Even with that thought in mind he stood still. His eyes darted around the large group trying to figure out what he was supposed to be doing. Around him he saw people's lips moving as if they were talking, but he couldn't hear a word. They all seemed so far away.

Off to his side he caught movement and spun around once more. His eyes locked on Kay and Dina slowly making their way towards him. They looked so worried that he couldn't help but whimper pitifully. The closer they got to him the more he seemed to lose focus.

One of their hands reached out to touch him. But he had no idea which one. He knew that it was a friend reaching out for him but he couldn't help jerking away violently enough that he went backwards his hip ramming roughly enough into the side of a desk he tripped and fell to the floor.

A sharp cry of pain fell from his lips as he face planted into the floor not bothering to try to catch himself. Curling into a ball around his hurt wrist he let the tears stream down his face not bothering to hide from everyone that he was crying.

Feeling something barely graze his back Cameron scrambled backwards suddenly not noticing the pain in his wrist. All he knew was that he wasn't safe where he was. He had to get out. He didn't bother to pay attention as he got to his feet and took off running out of the building taking the stairs two at a time.

The sun was blinding as he found himself outside. Spinning around in circles he tried to gain his bearings, but his mind was gone. He had no idea what was going on at the moment. All he knew was he had to get away.

Before he could figure out how he was going to do that a pair of strong hands grabbed his wrists holding on painfully as they pulled him towards the side of the building and away from people. A scream fell from his lips as he thrashed against the hold but nothing helped.

"got you, Cam," a voice filtered through his thoughts, "Stop fighting. You're okay. I've got you, Cam. Stop fighting. You're okay. I've got you..."

Latching onto the person in front of him he let the mantra soothe him until he collapsed making them hold all of his weight. Both of them sank to the ground not caring that they were sitting next to a dumpster.

"Look at me, Cameron," the voice continued never letting go of him, "Please, sweetheart, just look me. Look at me."

Feeling the need to listen to that voice he pulled away and looked up at the person holding him. The first thing he noticed were the tears steaming down the blurry face. Slowly though the face came into focus only for him to see Dina.

"D," Cameron cried out his nails digging into her arms, "Hurts."

"I know, Sweetie," the woman offered her hand rubbing over his back, "I know."

"Make it stop."

"I will. I will, but you have to help me help you. Will you do that? Will you help yourself?"

"Please. Anything."

He felt her hands start to pull him to his feet and he went with her willingly if not sloppily. Once they were on their feet she started towards the road without saying a word. Though he doubted he'd understand if she did.

It felt like they walked miles before they finally got back to the street. He was so focused on taking one step then another that he missed everyone gathering around him. Until a hand came to rest on his shoulder.

Jerking away fast enough he sent Dina flying to the ground he came face to face with Kay. She looked so worried, but there was an understanding in her eyes that made him feel like he'd been sucker punched. She knew.

Without a thought in his mind Cameron took off running not paying attention to where he was going. Behind him voice called out his name pleading for him to look out, but he couldn't hear them as he ran into oncoming traffic without noticing.


	6. Chapter 6

If I'm right there should only be one more chapter left in this story! I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have. It was hard to write, but I loved every second of it!

Warning: Drug Abuse, Self-Harm, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts, Psychological Abuse.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

* * *

Clenching his hands together Jonathan attempted to ignore the sounds of chains rattling every time he moved. It was a small price to pay to be able to be in the room with his brother instead of in prison wondering what the hell was happening.

When he saw Mike walk into the warden's office with that forlorn look on his face his mind had gone into overdrive. Every scenario that he had been thinking about since his brother told him he was working with the FBI came back twice as strong.

Cameron was the type of person that would do anything for anyone. Even if it meant that he was going to get hurt in the process. He ran head first into dangerous situations because he cared so much about everyone. He had always been that way.

It wasn't out of the realm of possibility that one day he'd have Kay or Mike coming to tell him that someone had finally gotten the better of his brother and he was gone for good. He had actually been preparing himself for that.

Every time his brother started to talk about whatever case they happened to be working on that he felt his heart grow heavier. Johnny knew that there was no chance Cam wouldn't end up getting hurt. Physically or emotionally he always gave too much of himself.

Now he was sitting in a hospital room waiting for a very unconscious Cameron to wake up. He felt like he had been sitting there for hours. Maybe he had been. Honestly he had no idea how long it had been anymore.

It wasn't even close to being the first time that he had seen the sight before. Despite being a great magician and performer his brother was bullheaded. He always ended up throwing caution to the wind.

It was a little strange though. Because of the way their lives went it was rare that either he or Cam ended being in the same place at the same time without one of them being in a disguise. That was always fun to do.

Now he was sitting there for everyone to see and he couldn't care less about it. The only thing he cared about at the moment was whether or not his brother was going to be okay. He needed him to be okay.

Still, his mind couldn't help but run away from him as he sat there. He didn't know a lot about the judicial system, but he was pretty sure that someone had to call in a lot of favors to get him out of prison to see his brother.

Jonathan didn't know why it still shocked him sometimes that everyone seemed to bend over backwards for Cam. It was like they wanted to protect him. Not that he could blame people for having that thought process. That was what he wanted to do as well.

Oddly enough that was actually something that ended up helping him more often than not. Jonathan knew that he wasn't always the nicest person and that he had a bit of an ego that could be very off putting.

Cameron brought out the best in him though. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt his brother in any way, shape, or form. For Cam he was more than willing to put his basic nature aside and be whatever his twin needed.

The only problem with that was the fact that he wasn't awake. There was no point in trying to be Cam needed if he wasn't awake in the first place. So his thoughts and actions were all his own at the moment and it sucked.

He was so tired of thinking. That was all he seemed to do anymore. Alright, so that was all he did pretty much all of his life, but it was different now. He might have had to pretend to be his brother when he went out, but at least he got to go out. Now all he really got to do was sit around and think about whatever came into his mind.

Of course he fell into his old routine of focusing on the negative things. His minds seemed to focus solely on things that could go wrong. He could tell from experience that a lot of things could go wrong.

That little flaw of his had been one of the main reasons he and Dina fought when they were together. She had always hated the fact that he couldn't just let himself go and enjoy the world around him.

All she wanted was to go to a movie and not hear him speculate about whatever it was that happened to pop into his mind while they watched. It wasn't that much to ask, but he had never been able to give it to her.

The only person that could ever get him to truly zone out and have a good time was his brother and he was not going to bring his twin on a date with him. She might have ended it with him because he cheated, but their days were numbered for awhile.

There weren't a lot of people that could handle his brand of interesting. They did better as friends anyway. He was just glad that their break up hadn't driven her to walk away from the team altogether. He didn't want his brother to lose a friend like that.

If Johnny had to guess though her sticking around had less to do with him and more to do with his twin. Cameron had this way about him. Just being close to him was enough to bring the best out of someone.

They used to joke about when they were younger. The Cameron Charm. All he ever had to do was send a smile to someone and they were eating out of the palm of his hands. Not that he ever used it for evil like that. Outside of magic he didn't knowingly use it.

Being the person that he was Jonathan had attempted to learn that little trick, but he never could get his brother's smile down right. It was just so warm and caring to everyone, even complete strangers.

In the privacy of their own bed Dina had pointed out that Cameron was a lot like the sun. He burned so bright and warm that he could easy burn. While Jonathan was like the moon. Dark and mysterious and shining brightly when he reflected light from his brother.

Okay, so he added the thing about reflecting light, but what she said was true nonetheless. Not that he'd say that out loud. Which might have been yet another issue of his that proved his brother was better than him.

Cameron could sit there for hours talking something out with someone. He actually had done that more than a few times with everyone on the team. They all turned to him for emotional support when things got to be too much.

That was how they knew that the team would work out well. They were all willing to just sit down with Cam and talk about anything. It was as if they had complete faith in him to be able to be what they needed.

In turn the man had complete faith that things would get better for them. In his mind everyone would be better off if they just opened up about their feelings instead of hiding away until they exploded.

Well, he believed that for everyone except himself. Johnny ha no idea where his brother got it from, but he held himself to such a high standard it was ridiculous. It was as if he wasn't allowed to be human.

That thought process wouldn't be so bad if it came with some kind of real ego. That was the last thing that Cam had though. He could fake it better than pretty much anyone, but that was all that it was. A fake show.

The lack of faith the man had in himself was frankly shocking. Jonathan had watched him go toe to toe with someone that was feeling down on themselves time and time again. It was as if he took it as an insult. He couldn't stand someone not believing in themselves.

Just don't try to say something nice about him back. It was hard to notice if one didn't know what to look for. So the only person that ever really noticed the way the man flinched and practically curled into himself before he plastered on a smile that could convince anyone that he was perfectly fine was Jonathan.

Sometimes he really hated their father. If the man hadn't taught them both to smile through everything things would be different. Neither of them would have gotten used to pretending that everything was fine.

Well, Cam wouldn't have learned that. Despite what people thought Jonathan was the one that would take a step back when he felt like something was wrong. Cameron would head right through it because someone 'needed' him to.

That was the way that he had always been though. It didn't matter if he was sick or injured or just plain tired he would plaster on that perfect smile of his and get back to work. Why? Because he couldn't disappoint their father or their crowd.

Cam hid away so grandly that sometimes he could even convince himself that things were fine. That he wasn't falling apart at the seams and trying desperately to sew himself back together before anyone noticed.

It was something that he tried to hide from Jonathan. It would come as a shock to a lot of people to know that he wasn't the protective twin. Sure, when things got physical he stepped forward ready to do what ever it took to keep his brother alive, but he was physical he could only take a hit.

Cameron, on the other hand, was the emotional twin. Johnny had more than few memories of his brother staying up with him because he had a bad dream. He never understood how his twin knew but the second he woke up Cam was climbing into his bed with a book in one hand and flashlight in the other.

Those night happened more often than not. Because he always seemed to focus on the worst case scenario his mind had a tendency to dream up creative ways his brother could get killed during a stunt. Even well after the stunt was over.

He couldn't even remember when he started to do that. All he knew was one day he woke up feeling as if he couldn't breathe and a second later his brother was walking into his room as if it was a normal thing.

He always tried to brush off whatever Cam was doing at first, but the man never left. Instead he'd climb under the covers with his back pressed against the headrest and start reading whatever book he happened to pick up.

When the morning would come around he'd wake up alone in his bed wondering if it was all a dream. Then he'd walk into the kitchen and find Cam bouncing to a song only he could hear making breakfast for them both.

Those nights were their little secret. A secret that had happened well into their adult years, even when he dated Dina. The only difference was at that point he'd end up going into his brother's room so she didn't wake up.

There were still nights that he woke up expecting for the man to be climbing into bed with him a book in his hand. Then the real world came back to him. Cameron wouldn't be there to comfort him after a bad dream anymore. Not when he was locked in a prison cell with no way of getting out.

So he'd end up closing his eyes and trying to get lost in the memories he had. It wasn't he same, but there was nothing quite as comforting as listening to his twin read out loud to him. It put him to sleep almost instantly every time.

There was only one other time when Cam didn't do that. Back when he was taking drugs the first time. That should have been a clue that something big was going on with his brother, but he hadn't wanted to think too much about it.

It had actually been the first time he felt like his brother didn't care about him. Which was a pretty ludicrous thought. That was quite literally the last thing that Cameron would ever want. He would never want someone to feel like that.

That was his major fault. The man cared about pretty much everyone over himself. That was the main reason he believed his brother had started to take drugs in the first place. He ignored himself until he snapped.

Jonathan had long been trying to break the man of that habit. It did no one any good if Cameron killed himself trying to help people that didn't deserve it. Especially since he didn't give himself the same treatment.

When he helped his brother through withdrawal the first time that was the things that he tried to push him towards the most. He knew that if Cam just put himself first sometimes than things would get better for him.

All he wanted to do was get his twin to see himself the way Johnny did. He was an intelligent and charming person that people loved. He could easy be whatever he wanted to be if he just took control over his own life.

It didn't work though. If it was possible after he got sober he seemed to dislike himself even more. The only change was he did a much better job at hiding it. He had fooled Johnny a time or two before he wised up to it.

It seemed as if there was nothing that would ever change his opinion of himself. So Jonathan changed the way he took care of his brother. Instead of trying to force himself to believe in himself he watched him carefully and pulled him from the edge whenever he could.

Maybe that wasn't the best thing for either of them, but it worked. Mostly. Cam seemed close to losing it more often than he liked to think about. As much as he hated to admit it the more he thought of it the more he thought Cam didn't care if he lived or died. That was the scariest thing that he had ever seen in his life.

Well, it was before he saw his brother in the hospital bed. The doctor said that outside of a broken wrist and a concussion Cameron was fine. The car didn't do all that much damage to him physically.

Looking at him laying in the bed though 'fine' was the last word that came to his mind. He looked more walking dead than anything else at the moment. Though he was closer to dead than he was to walking.

Jonathan hadn't seen his brother ever look so bad. His skin was pale and drawn close to his bones. He had to have lost some weight that he couldn't afford to lose. He looked so weak he didn't even want to touch him out of fear he'd shatter.

It was the opposite of the first time that he ha been on drugs. Back then he might have withdrawn into himself, but he still looked physically okay. He had actually looked like he was finally enjoying himself.

That was one of the reasons that it took so long to realize that something was wrong. He had just thought that Cam was having fun. Sure he was pulling away from everyone, but that's what teenagers did when they were finding themselves. Right?

He really should have known better. Cam wasn't him. All he ever wanted was for his brother to live his life out from under their father's thumb. He was so much smarter than that man could ever hope to be. He could do it easily.

Easier than Jonathan could. Johnny had fought hard against what Sebastian wanted for both of their sakes. He didn't trust anything about the man and knew that it was too much of a risk to let him have control over them like that.

If they left it up to their father then they'd both be lost for good. The man had controlled them as soon as he realized that he could use them. Jonathan had wised up to his plot, but Cameron hadn't. He was the only reason he stayed.

His brother had overlooked all the bad that came with Sebastian Black. So when Cameron started to act out in small ways Johnny had been proud of him for finally standing up for himself. He had thought that it was a wonderful thing.

They might have been teenagers, but they were smart and resourceful. The two of them would have been able to leave that life being them. They'd be able to stop being the perfect little magicians and silent shadows.

Just thinking that made the man want to smack himself. Cameron loved their father despite all of his faults. Of course he hadn't been pulling away because he was sick of him. No, he had been pulling away so no one knew he was getting high.

Jonathan would never forgive himself for being so blind. He always promised himself that he'd keep his brother safe and he had failed. Why? Because he had wanted him to change so badly he refused to see what was right in front of his face.

If he had just accepted his brother for who he was then they never would have been put in the position they were in. Cam would never have turned to drugs to get by and he wouldn't be locked up in prison losing hope of ever getting out.

Even with all of that in mind it changed nothing. As much as he hated it there was nothing he could do about that part of their past anymore. All he could do was try to stop Cam from repeating his mistakes.

For awhile he had been able to do just that. He stepped in whenever he saw his twin heading down the wrong path. He actually took a page out of Cameron's book for that. He'd grab the first book he saw and sit there reading until his throat was sore and his brother was long asleep.

Then he was thrown into jail where he was no help at all. It took him awhile to realize the signs, but he knew that he was losing what little control over his emotions that he had before. He was shutting down.

He had ended up feeling more cut off from his emotions than he had before while he watched Cameron get absolutely lost in his own. Jonathan wasn't sure which one of them were worse off in the end.

A sigh fell from his lips as he shook his head knocking the thoughts away. None of that matter at the moment. Not when Cam was laying in a hospital bed because he had run into oncoming traffic because he had been going out of his mind.

Whether it was because he was on or off drugs was the question now. A part of Jonathan didn't want to know the answer. All he wanted was for his brother to be fine. He truly doubted that that was what he was going to hear.

"Any change?" Kay questioned softly causing him to jump and curse himself for not paying attention.

There was a childish part of him that wanted to refuse to answer the woman. He wanted to blame her for pushing his brother over the edge once more. If Cameron had never met her than he wouldn't have been stressed. Yeah, the logic made no sense to him either, but he was going with it.

At the same time though he saw the pain in her eyes when she looked over at him. Kay cared about his brother. Maybe she even loved him in a way. Johnny wasn't up to trying to read her any deeper than he had before.

All he knew for a fact was that she felt guilty for what was happening. He knew from his brother that she had had a sister that had fallen into drugs and ended up dying. Not that she knew that was what was going on.

As far as he knew only he, Dina, and the doctor knew that little fact. Jonathan wanted to keep it that way too. It was too risky for an FBI agent to know that her friend and semi-colleague was taking drugs. She could easily through him in jail for that.

"He hasn't woken up yet," he replied staring at the cup of coffee she had in her hand hard enough that she rolled her eyes before passing it over.

"Might be a good thing," Kay offered not looking over at him, "Withdrawal is hell."

Freezing before the cup could touch his lips Jonathan attempted to figure out if he had just heard what she said correctly. He had no idea how she could possible know what was going on. It made no sense.

"You knew?" Johnny questioned after a moment.

"I knew something was going on," Kay offered falling onto the couch.

"And you just happened to guess drugs?"

"No, I was worried that he was coming up with a plan to break you out and run. I didn't get drugs until the doctor told me. Having a badge has some perks."

"Oh."

"You knew though."

Jonathan couldn't help but flinch at the accusation thrown his way. He knew that if he had just spoken up when Dina brought up that she was worried things might have changed. Hell, if he had convinced Cameron to open up to the team about his problem nothing would have happened.

"I suspected," he tried to justify though it sounded weak even to himself, "But what could I do in prison?"

"You could have told me," Kay answered instantly finally looking at him.

A dark chuckle left his lips at that. She reminded him of his brother sometimes. She might not be nearly as naive as him, but she still had faith in people. Maybe that was why they got along as well as they did.

"I don't trust you," Jonathan stated calmly.

"Then why didn't you tell us?" Jordan asked walking into the room with the rest of the team.

Jerking towards them Johnny forced himself to sit still and not shrink under their glares. Every last one of them looked as if they were ready to fight. The ball of stress that had taken up home in his stomach since the whole thing started tightened at the younger man's tone.

That was so far from Jordan's normal voice it wasn't funny. It also wasn't something that he heard a lot, but hearing it always made him feel as if he'd done something wrong. Which he knew he probably had.

Or maybe he hadn't. Honestly, Johnny wasn't sure what the right thing to do was. The team meant everything to him and Cam. They had always said that they were a family. Both of them believed every word of it too.

At the same time though that didn't meant that they told each other everything. None of them did. Okay, so they told the important things that might one day come and bite them in the ass but… Wasn't Cam entitled to one little secret?

Alright, it wasn't exactly small, but it was still one that his brother wanted to keep for himself. It wasn't as if Jonathan had actually planned on getting locked up. He was supposed to be there to keep his brother safe from all of that.

"Johnny," Gunter cut through his thoughts, "Why didn't you two tell us?"

"I..." Jonathan tried before shaking his head, "I couldn't."

"Bullshit!" Jordan bit out crossing his arms over his chest, "We tell you two everything. Everything!"

Staring up at the younger man Jonathan couldn't help but deflate a little. He was right. The team did tell them everything. They all knew that they were a family and there wasn't a secret on the planet that would ever change that.

"Jordan," Dina stepped forward placing her hands on his shoulders before Johnny could say anything, "Don't give the nurses a reason to kick you out."

"Dina, he knows..." the man motioned towards him angrily.

"I know, Sweetie, but we knew them too. Neither of them are very good at talking about themselves. At least not the important things."

"Dina..." Jonathan glared at her.

"Don't you even act like I'm wrong. Jonathan," she whipped around on him her eyes bright with anger, "You and I did date. I know you a lot better than you think. I know Cam too. You both hide."

"It was in the past."

"Obviously not."

Reaching up to run a hand through his hair Jonathan felt his chains pull tightly around his waist. This was what he had been afraid of when Cam refused to tell them about his problem. He knew that they'd be justifiably pissed at them.

"Don't you think I feel guilty enough?" he bit out looking back at his brother, "I know you think I should have said something, I think I should have too, but it wasn't my secret to tell. It was his. He would never have forgiven me if I had told you. I had to protect Cam. I couldn't… You didn't see him before. I had to keep his secret."

"Look at him, Jonathan," Kay demanded standing up and resting a hand on his brother's shoulder, "Do you really think that not losing his trust was worth this?"

Looking down at his twin Jonathan felt tears fill his eyes. Cameron looked horrible. If he hadn't been so stupid and selfish he would have been around to keep him from falling so far. He could have helped him

"It was supposed to be in the past," Jonathan whispered not looking away from his brother.

"We know that, Johnny," Gunter offered moving closer to him, "We would have understood."

"I wanted to tell you, but it wasn't my choice. It was his. You know how he is. He just wanted to forget leave it all in the past. He was doing so well too. I don't know what changed."

"I don't want to make you feel worse," Jordan sighed his eyes darting around the room, "But you being there changed."

Blinking a few times Jonathan let the words wash over him. Of course he was the reason this happened. Cameron had been so worried about getting him out that he had forgotten that he had to take care of himself at the same time.

"You and Cam have pretty much relied only on each other," Dina continued after a moment, "I don't think either of you know how to function without the other."

"That doesn't make me feel better," he gritted out clenching his jaw to stop himself from crying.

"That's not really the point of this, Jonathan."

"What is the point then? Cameron is laying in a hospital bed because I was too damn stupid to see that he needed help and he was too damn prideful to admit that he needed help. What's the point in any of this? Because I have no idea what the fuck I'm supposed to do to fix this!"

The room fell silent at that. The only sounds that could be heard were the monitors keeping eye on Cameron and the footsteps outside. It all was so wrong. How could everything they had fall apart so spectacularly?

"You could start by not trying to do this alone," Kay spoke up making him look at her, "You're not alone in this anymore, Jonathan. Neither of you are. We all care about him. We care about you too. Stop trying to get by just as the Black twins."

"I don't know how to do that," Johnny admitted with a shrug, "It's always been just the two of us."

"Well, it's time for the magician to learn a new trick. First things first though we have to wait until he wakes up. We can't do anything until we talk to him."

"Then what? What if he refuses help? What if we're too late to help him? What if..."

"We won't stop. I'm not losing someone else. I won't lose someone else. None of us will."


	7. Chapter 7

Wow! This didn't take me forever at all! I don't know why, but it got very hard to write this last chapter. I hope it's a good ending, but with how difficult it was I'm a little worried. All I can do is hope that you guys like it though! Please like it!

Warning: Drug Abuse, Self-Harm, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts, Psychological Abuse.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

* * *

" _My dear fellow," said Sherlock Holmes as we sat on either side of the fire in his lodgings at Baker Street, "life is"…_ Seriously, Jordan? Can you not sit still for one moment?"

"Seriously, Jonathan? Can you not talk like you're a part of the Holmes family after you read the books?" the younger man shot back his voice moving from one side of the room to the other.

"I most certainly do not do that."

"Sorry, Sweetie," Dina replied with a small laugh, "you do. You also pick up a British accent. If it makes you feel any better though yours is a lot better than Kay's."

Laughter filled the room at the woman's words drowning out the sounds of beeping machines. Something that Cameron was glad for. He never did like the sounds that woke him up whenever he was in the hospital. Though he had been enjoying his brother reading to him.

Surprisingly enough that wasn't something that Johnny did all that often. He wasn't a huge fan of just sitting around reading books unless they were teaching him something. Outside of books on magic Sherlock Holmes were the only books they agreed on.

At the same time though it was weird to be on the receiving end of it. He was usually the one that read things out loud. It had been awhile since that had happened though. Thinking about it it had been awhile since he had just sat and read a book.

That was the main reason he hadn't opened his eyes and shown everyone that he was awake and that they didn't need to worry about him anymore. Everything was just so peaceful and normal that he didn't want to break it just yet.

For the first time since his brother went to jail Cameron could almost believe that everything was back to normal. He had his brother and his team by his side. Nothing could touch him if they were next to him. He had everything he wanted.

Pretending that he was still asleep he allowed himself to revel in that feeling. His brother was sitting next to him talking and laughing and enjoying himself. His team was joking around without a care in the world. It was perfect.

Add to all of that the fact that Kay and Mike were there having just as much fun as everyone else… Nothing could be better. The little family that they had created for themselves was finally complete.

Even as he relished that feeling though he knew that it all had to be in his head. Jonathan was in prison and the team was slowly falling apart without him there. Anyway, Johnny, Kay, and Mike getting along was the last thing that would ever happened.

Oh how he wanted it all to be true though. His team was everything to him and the fact that he wasn't what they needed to keep them whole broke his heart. All he had wanted to do since they started their group was to keep them safe and happy so they'd stay.

Truthfully, that was all he ever wanted to do. Ever since he was a child he had had people coming in and out of his life. That was just a fact of living on the road and having to spend so much time pretending.

None of that was what he wanted though. The idea of settling down in one place and having people that truly cared about him was perfect. It was just a dream. Everything that he had ever wanted was just a dream.

He wasn't the person that anyone needed. That was Jonathan. Dina needed him as a boyfriend, Jordan and Gunter needed him as a leader, and Cameron needed him as a protector. There was no real room for him there.

Cameron could remember watching as his brother went up against their father whenever he came up with his more dangerous plans. He watched and wondered if he was ever going to be as strong as him. If maybe one day he could protect someone as well as he did.

Jonathan always was so much more protective than he was and he had loved that. Most of the time. It was odd though whenever he tried to step into those shoes and help his brother out. It always felt like he was pretending.

Still, he tried so hard to be that person when they were younger. From making his brother food whenever he was too focused on something to remember to eat to reading to him whenever he had nightmares. He tried to help whenever he could.

The only problem with that was the fact that he had no idea what Johnny needed. His twin didn't talk about his emotions all that often so he always had to guess to try to figure out if what he was doing was right.

More often than not he felt as if he was being nothing but annoying, but Jonathan never said anything so he continued and hoped he wasn't wrong. He did the same with the rest of the team. Doing small things that let them know he was right there if they ever needed him. They never did.

He always ended up feeling as if he was letting them down. That every time he tried to to help them he only made matters worse. Maybe that was why they never tried to talk to him about any real issues.

"Cameron," Jonathan spoke up sounding slightly amused, "Tell them that I do not talk oddly after reading Sherlock Holmes."

The younger twin had to force himself not to sigh when he realized that the jig was up. He didn't want to face the real world just yet. He wanted to spend some more time listening to the team and pretending everything was fine. Blinking his eyes open Cameron let the hazy room pull into focus.

For the first time since he woke up he took in the hospital room around him and tried to figure out what had landed him there. No matter how hard he thought about it he could not remember what had happened.

The last thing he could think of was finding out he didn't have enough drugs to make it through a few hours let alone the rest of the day. He could remember feeling as if he was frozen solid despite everyone saying they were in the middle of a heatwave.

A part of him expected to feel that way again, but it wasn't. He felt almost numb in a way. As if he could bash his head into a wall and everything would be fine. It was easy to tell that he was on something, but that provided him with little comfort.

"Cam?" Jonathan questioned resting a hand on the man's shoulder causing him to tense as his heart monitor picked up, "Hey, no. No, Cam, you're fine. You're safe. It's just me and the team."

Cameron had no idea why he was beginning to panic. He knew where he was and who was around him. He knew that he was safe. There was no reason for him to feel as if he couldn't catch his breath.

Shaking his head Cameron let out a small whimper his eyes clenching shut. Without thinking he reached up and gripped the hand on his shoulder holding on so tightly his knuckles turned white though he didn't notice.

"Shh, Sweetheart," Dina whispered right next to him her gentle fingers coming to wipe away tears he wasn't aware he was shedding, "You're alright. We have you."

He knew that they were trying to comfort him, but it had the opposite effect. Every word that fell from their lips just made him feel worse about himself. Them taking care of him was the last thing he wanted. He already took so much of that from them.

"Cam," Kay sternly spoke her voice rising above the others, "You have to calm down. Okay? I know that you're in your mind right now, but we need you here. Okay?"

Hearing the command in her voice Cameron let his eyes open once more. The FBI agent was leaning over him with that no-none-sense look of hers and he felt calmer for some reason. Keeping their eyes locked he forced himself to take deep breaths and do what she said.

"Good," Kay nodded her head as he calmed himself down, "Good. Now, I know you know you're in the hospital. Do you remember why?."

"Kay," Jonathan growled out glaring at her.

"No I get that you want to protect him, Johnny, but it's time for some tough love. Cameron, do you know why you're here?"

Licking his lips the man looked over at his brother wondering if he was supposed to answer that or not. Jonathan was still glaring at Kay, but whenever his eyes would flicker down to Cam they would soften ever so slightly. Still he didn't speak.

For a moment he kept quiet trying to get his thoughts in order. He hadn't felt like he was at the end of his rope since the first time his brother found out he was taking drugs. With everyone surrounding him though it felt so much more real than it did back then.

"I'm sorry," he offered his voice rough from lack of use.

Around him everyone kept quiet waiting for him to answer the question, but he had no words. All he wanted to do was crawl into a hole and never climb out. It would have been better for everyone if he just stopped existing. They'd be fine without him.

"Stop that," Jonathan cut through his thoughts giving a squeeze to his hand, "Whatever you're thinking stop."

"Johnny," Cameron tried staring up at his twin.

"No, Kay's right. I never should have let it get this far. I never should have let you hide this from everyone. If I had just convinced you to tell people that you used to-that you have a drug problem we wouldn't be here now. I thought… I thought that I would be there to protect you from it. I wasn't. I let you down, Cam."

Hearing the sadness and self-hatred in his twin's voice Cameron felt the panic start to return. The last thing he wanted was for his brother to feel like he was as fault for the situation. It was all on him. No one but him.

Attempting to sit up so he could latch onto his twin Cameron ignored the way the wire and tubes pull painfully at his skin. They didn't matter at the moment. Only making sure that Johnny and everyone else was fine did.

"Stop," Jonathan tried to command though his voice was weak as he moved to try to hold the man down as he panicked, "Cameron, stop! You need to stop before you hurt yourself."

"Don't care," Cameron panted out still trying to sit up his fingers digging into his brother's arm.

"I do! Okay? I care if you hurt yourself! So stop being so damn stubborn!"

He couldn't help but freeze when he heard his brother yell at him in a tone he had never heard come from him before. Johnny was always so calm and in control. The last thing he should ever sound like was as if he was losing all of that.

Going limp in his twin's arms he focused on the man above him taking him in. For the first time in a long time he saw tears in the normally calm eyes. With a shaking hand Cameron reached up and rested a hand on the side of his face causing his brother to lean into his touch.

"Jonathan," Cameron tried to soothe though his voice sounded broken, "Don't blame yourself. Please? Don't blame yourself for this."

Letting out a disbelieving snort Jonathan leaned forward to press his forehead to Cam's chest. Instantly he was wrapping his arms around the man holding him tightly like he used to whenever his twin had a bad dream.

"I'm sorry," Cameron muttered carding a hand through his brother's hair, "I'm sorry."

"What happened, Cameron?" Kay asked him once more dragging his thoughts from his twin.

"I.. I don't know. I thought I was okay. I mean, not 'okay' okay, but okay enough to function. Anyway, I had to find a way to get Johnny out of prison and keep the team together. I didn't have time not to be okay. Well, I mean, I was drinking a little more than normal and Dina had to pick me up from bars more often that no, but I was okay. I was. No drugs. I swear."

"That changed."

"I… They were in my pocket. I was going to bring them to you so you could get rid of them, Kay, but then I started to think and one thing lead to another and..."

"And you were shooting up instead of giving them to me to get rid of."

"I had to. I just... I had to make it stop."

Looking up at everyone else in the room he saw the confusion and worry in their eyes. None of them seemed to understand what he was trying to say. He didn't even really understand what he was trying to say.

"Make what stop?" Gunter asked crossing his arms over his chest.

"The thoughts," he answered look at the older man, "It was the only way I knew to make them stop. At least it worked the first time. I had to give it a chance. I had tried other things, but they didn't work. I tried. I really did. You have to believe that. I tried, but it hurt so much watching everything fall apart. I mean, I know that I'm not as good as Johnny, but..."

"What?" his brother questioned cutting him off as he pulled back to glare at Cam, "What did you just say?"

"It's just a fact," he shrugged trying to wave it off, "I'm not as good as you. I'm useless. I know that."

"You know that? Who the hell… Oh, and here I thought Dad was dead."

"Jonathan..."

"Don't even act like that wasn't something he said. That was him word for word. Always beating you down as if he was any better himself."

"It wasn't as if he wasn't right, Johnny. You are better than me in every way possible. It's just a fact. I shouldn't even be here. I should never have been born and everyone knows that!"

"The hell we do!" Jordan called out causing everyone to look at him as he stalked closer to the bed looking angrier than they had ever seen him, "We love you, Cameron. We need you just as much as we need Jonathan. Not just because you're the face of the show either. You're our brother. We need you here to keep us safe and to keep us happy. We need both!

"I know it sucks not having Jonathan around. I get that. I miss him every day, but ever since he left it's like you've become a shell of yourself. I know you're trying but I miss the old you.

"The man that used to stay up with me while I explained some tech that I know he didn't understand. The person that used to go shopping with Dina just because he loved seeing the way her face lit up at a good deal. The person that would spend hours in the kitchen with Gunter cooking anything they could come up with and forcing us to eat it. I miss my brother too!"

Staring at the younger man in shock Cameron felt like he couldn't breathe. He had never thought that anyone would say anything like that to him. He hadn't even realized that they treasured those moments just as much as he did.

"Jordan's right," Dina picked up after a moment, "You haven't been yourself and now you're talking like your father would. The last thing you should do is listen to that abusive asshole."

"He never hit us," Cameron denied instantly with a shake of his head.

"Abuse doesn't have to be physical," Mike pointed out calmly, "It could also be emotional. Like telling your children one of them has to pretend not to exist or telling one that they're useless and beating them down at every turn until they to believe that. Until they started to self-destruct because they believe in the lies."

Letting the agents words wash over him Cameron looked away from everyone. He had heard the argument from his brother more than a few times, but it felt different coming from everyone else as well.

The last thing that ever wanted to call his father was abusive, despite everything that had happened he did love the man, but what they were saying made sense. A part of him hated them for that.

"Johnny?" he whispered turning to the man.

"I'm sorry," his twin offered softly, "I'm so sorry, Cam. I tried, I really did, but I didn't know what to do. I still don't. Cam, all I have ever wanted was for you to see how amazing you are and to leave that man in the past."

"But… He's our dad."

Jonathan opened his mouth to say something else, but was cut off by Kay resting a hand on top of their entwined ones. Looking over at the agent he let out a sigh and dropped his head not looking at Cameron anymore.

"Cameron," Kay started drawing his attention to her, "How did you stop last time? How did you get through withdrawal?"

"Jonathan," he answered holding his brother's hand tighter, "It was the only way. Dad wouldn't have let me go to a hospital if he found out. He probably _would_ have hit me if he found out."

"So sheer force of will. Cameron, your dad was abusive. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's the truth. Because of the fact that he hid you and your brother away for so long you both keep hiding even now. You don't have to do that anymore. You don't have to pretend to be fine when you're not. You don't have to do this alone."

"Do what?"

"Get clean. You don't have to get clean alone. We can get you help, real help."

"What?"

"You haven't faced why you turned to drugs when you were younger in the first place. You have to figure out what drove you to it and what made you go back this time."

"You want me to talk to someone."

"I _want_ you to be okay, Cameron. I _think_ this might be the way to do it."

Opening his mouth ready to deny what she was saying Cameron felt himself stop once more when he saw his teams faces out of the corner of his eye. They all looked so hopeful. Like they really thought it might help.

"I..." Cameron tried to start only to find words escaping him.

"I know you don't want to do this," Kay offered with a sad smile, "But do you remember why you're in the hospital yet?"

"No."

"You freaked out," Dina whispered tears clear in her voice, "You freaked out and ran into the middle of traffic. You… You could have died, Cameron. Please, give it a try. Please?"

"I… Okay. If-If you think it'll help. I'll try. I-I'll try."


End file.
